Every time something bad happens in our country, and after we are done blaming others for it and have run out of excuses... oh, sorry I don’t mean excuses, I mean valid assumptions and scientifically deduced conspiracy theories like blaming India, Jews,America, etc for things like when our toilet ceiling collapses.

Anyhow, when the smart reasoning is oh-so-unfairly flushed down, we always say, “Oho, it’s not everyone. It’s just some people giving us all a bad name. We are actually very nice peaceful people. See our pretty mountains? We are so lovely.”

And I completely agree, we are very very very peaceful.

Look at the case of Asia Bibi. I mean a few days ago, her historic and last ever appeal was to take place. One of the judges had months to prepare and think about the hearing but he was kind enough to pull out at the very last minute giving her family, her kids, her well wishers, the Christian community just that one last “heart felt jhatka.”

That was rather nice of him taking away hope and all; we were actually kind of bored.

After that, over 15 million educated Pakistanis who have access to Twitter and other social media outlets took over. #SaveAsia started trending everywhere as there had been no proof of her committing any blasphemy whatsoever. It was only fair that after 7 years of being unfairly imprisoned, people stand up for her.

Oh wait, oops sorry. My bad! It wasn’t #SaveAsia rather #HangAsia that was trending all over Pakistan.

It must have been a Twitter glitch; I mean why would anyone want a poor helpless mother dead. Even the Lal Masjid inmates who made threats that they would kill her no matter what was a conspiracy by Israel to make Palestine look bad…..or something.

Not all 15 million were alert on social media those days of course, just the thousands and thousands who wanted her dead. The rest (the peaceful ones) were away demanding nuclear war with India.

They are also the same people who have been sending care packages to Qandeel Baloch’s extremely poor dependent family because their provider was murdered… sorry honor killed. The word honor has to be used because it resets the whole situation into ‘justification/allowed’ mode.

Those peaceful people were right there on Facebook saying that even though they thought she was such a horrible despicable person and completely deserving of murder, they were such amazing kind souls, that through gritted teeth and painful hiccups, they still said that she should not have been killed. I mean wow, if this isn’t peaceful, I don’t know what is.

Another recent example is of Nabil Masih, a teenager who is in jail for liking a picture on Facebook. I mean there are countless campaigns, requests, and what not going around to save him and our peaceful caring public is right there sharing the info and pics.  They have been so persistent that it has gone viral and the international media has taken notice and is covering it as well. Offers have started coming in from everywhere to help.

Okay, the picture and story might be of another teenager and not Nabeel but still… it is a poor teen. And have you seen those dreamy blue eyes? 

We are giving him his 15 seconds of fame; we’ll get to saving lives later. Bohot time hai abhi…

And we write books to guide others too. As soon as Malala released her book I am Malala which did so well around the world, we had another book out, I am not Malala. Of course we had to write bad things about the girl who was shot by the Taliban.

How can anyone survive being shot that way?

She was obviously lying and the supposed schools she is creating for girls and the poor are made up stories too. It would not be surprising if her Nobel Prize was just a Chinese plastic fake she got from Rotten Tomatoes! And if we want her dead, so what.... so does the Taliban.

We have also written books to correct our curriculum where we teach about hate and bigotry too…. or we’ll get to it soon…..later. ..some day. But hey, I am not Malala exists and that is what matters.

We are so peaceful that we are always the first to remind Ahmadis not to call themselves Muslims every time they are brutally attacked.

We always tell them, “dude you hurt us so much by calling yourself Muslims. It is like a knife twisting through our hearts. I mean when ISIS does it, we are still okay, but when you do it… harsh man! So if you don’t want to be attacked, just call yourself kaafirs and be done with it. We’ll stop killing, persecuting and hurting you. God promise. What you call yourself hurts us more than when old men marry little girls, when acid is thrown on people’s faces... nothing matters except what you call yourselves. So just stop, we really are peaceful! And oh, in case you forget, you are not a Muslim.

It’s also the Constitution… the law which we follow blindly, which is why we are okay with Asia being innocent. Oh wait.”

Same goes for the Shias. I mean have you seen how we let them take out annual processions on the streets? If we were not peaceful, would we do that? We even give them police protection and block mobile phones. What else do they want?

We are very very peaceful and those who keep complaining are completely clueless about how things work. We always treat others like we ourselves want to be treated. Which is why we demand that we be given special privileges in every other country … because we do the same here.

Before signing off, here is a clip about good looking Pakistani people from the beautiful mountains to keep the Nationalists happy… who at this very moment are writing very angry replies instead of actually getting off their behinds and making a difference by helping others.