Muslims all around the world fast on the ninth month of the lunar calendar on the holiest Islamic month of Ramadan. (Arabic)  No, it does not mean they fast for 30 days, they fast just during the daylight hours. Of course in places north of the Arctic Circle like the North pole, where the sun never actually sets for a good six months, if you don’t have a death wish, it might need a little bit of maneuvering around.

But as all the fasting Muslims from around the world enter this month, they come with certain hopes and expectations in their hearts. All hoping to emerge at the end of the month as better versions of themselves; but it doesn’t quite always work that way. Here is how.

Expectation:

It will bring all Muslims around the world closer to each other.

Reality:

Blame the moon for this. It keeps playing hide and seek resulting with the fasting commencing on a separate day for different countries. The Holy nights are different even for cities. While a Karachiite prays on Monday night thinking this is the night his fate will be decided, in Peshawar, their fate was signed and sealed the night before on Sunday. Not even Eid falls on the same day.

Expectation:

So the fasting Muslim may attain Taqwa or God-consciousness.

Reality:

Well, this is true to a certain extent. The number of chants “Allah, kab hogi shaam? Hai Allah, barri bhook lag rahi hai! Allah mian, jaldi se iftari ka waqt ho jaye! Uff Allah meray pait mein gas ho rahi hai!” on repeat throughout the day, you are certainly more conscious of God’s awareness.

Expectation:

Health will be better.

Reality:

This one is also partially true. With people who used to sleep just a few hours in the night (thanks to movies, TV, Facebook, etc) now sleeping throughout the day to pass the foodless time, health is bound to better than before; sleep heals. Plus you are all nice and fresh by Iftari time.

Expectation:

When you go for Tarawih, you will finish the whole Quran and learn so much about it.

Reality:

The Imam recites the verses at the speed of light so that the uber ‘fast and the quick’ tarawih can be done in record time. All you actually get to hear are remnants of sounds that may or not be actual words. It could be in any language and he could be saying anything, you would not be able to tell the difference.  However, people who go for tarawih do learn a skill called pole leaning. They stand tall and sway back and forth trying not to fall completely – or just fall asleep.

Expectation:

Muslims are told to build character by being warned against gossiping, backbiting, slandering, hypocrisy, lying, stealing, etc.

Reality:

Prices go up for everything you would need on a daily basis and they also become scarce. Mugging, armed robbery, etc become more rampant because the criminals also have to celebrate Eid with their respective families. People who don’t fast are severely judged – this covers backbiting and gossiping in one go.

Expectation:

The fasting Muslim will start praying 5 times a day and complete one of the pillars of Islam perfectly.

Reality:

Most people just eat late and go off to sleep so they don’t have to get up later to eat sehri and disturb their sleep. That’s one prayer gone. Those who do get up eat with one eye closed and pray with both closed. Some people have been known to fall asleep on the prayer mat after going into Sajdah.

Expectation:

Bad habits like smoking come to a stop.

Reality:

While some smokers do manage to hold off the smoking during the fasting hours, some by locking their heads in a cage and giving the key to their wives, others with actual will power. However, as soon as it is iftari time, they make up for smokes lost by chain smoking till Sehri. That makes even more packs than before and quite possibly even more of an addiction. Rest assured, you will die.

Expectation:

Whoever fasts during Ramadan with sincere faith will have his past sins forgiven.

Reality:

If only it were that easy. 30 days and all sins forgiven? Steal from someone and fast a month sincerely? That’s all? Don’t think so.
Hajj apparently erases sins as well; I suppose that is why our politicians make yearly visits in hopes that they can start each corrupt year with a nice clean slate.

Expectation:

To feel what the poor person feels like so you value what you have more.

Reality:

With the fasters planning their food and what they will be hogging on 10 hours before the actual meal, I don’t think one can feel what the poor who has no idea where his next meal will come from, goes through. Then there is the fact that the he eats the oiliest, fattiest food from iftari all the way up to sehri in hopes that he does not feel hungry throughout the next day (most of which he will spend sleeping anyway). “Bring on those parathas! I need to feel what the needy feels” – Not.

Expectation:

To do more for the poor.

Reality:

Well some actually do more just in the month of Ramadan, but then what is the point when they are forgotten the first day of Eid? When you wear your new clothes and eat even more food than your stomach can hold. Wouldn’t it more suited if one does good throughout the year rather than in just the one month, when he thinks it might help get his sins forgiven?

Expectation:

You will become a better person and Muslim.

Reality:

Temporary Imaan revival is just what it is – temporary. All the Facebook posts about hadiths, the meager amount of charity, everything comes to a stop. So all this means is that you are just a greedy person looking out for yourself (in hopes for a reward) and actually not for others.

Expectation:

It gives you self-control.

Reality:

Sure, which is why people are not allowed to eat in public during the fasting hours? Nothing wrong with showing respect, but if patience and self control is the purpose, then why are the non fasters punished and beaten to a pulp for taking a sip of water? If you have the urge to beat and punish a person eating and then you actually even go through with it, then you have kind of failed the Ramadan test. 

Expectation:

You will lose weight.

Reality:

Uhm… with all those samosas, pakoras, jalebis, kheer, alu and fruit chaats being shoveled into your tummy, chances are you will actually put on weight rather than lose any. And then there are all the iftari and sehri parties.

Your Eid clothes? Tell your tailor to make them loose.

Expectation:

It teaches you patience.

Reality:

It actually does make you more patient and give you better math skills as well… as you keep counting down to the last second on how much time left before iftari. 1 hour. 45 minutes. 30 minutes. 5 minutes and 23 seconds. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. ATTACK! (Remember the scene from the Bollywod movie Satte Pe Satta when the brothers attack the food that Hema Malini had cooked? This is what the average faster looks like at Iftari time.)

Expectation:

There are no sins as Shaytan is locked up.

Reality:

Who needs Shaytan to do one’s bad work when people themselves are of the purestform of evil! No bad deeds stop, everything wrong continues so it is high time people started taking responsibility for their own actions and stopped putting the blame elsewhere. It’s not Shaytan, it’s you.