Aries (March 21 – April 19): The stage is set for some passionate romantic encounters this week as Mars enter your zodiac sign. But before you give in, remember that the planet is now accompanied by an Indian probe mission orbiting it. Make sure the car behind you is not following you, and do not forget to draw the curtains. As the lunar year comes to an end, this is the week of the Muslim feast. Avoid making jokes about goats on this occasion, because goats represent your star sign. Aries people are like goats – stubborn, ugly, smug, and deserve to die.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This is not a good week for the bull either. Except financially. If you are a journalist, a Leo colleague may ask you for a loan. Please don’t say no. He really needs the money. It is for his wife and kids. Honestly. I will return it to you as soon as possible.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): If you were recently asked for a loan by a Leo colleague who needed the money for his wife and kids and promised to return it as soon as he could, but you said you did not have any money despite claiming to be his friend, you are a two-faced liar just like your zodiac symbol.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Cancer has lost the importance that it was once given, after the discovery of the AIDS virus in 1983. A name given to a group of diseases that involve abnormal cell growth, Cancer is responsible for roughly 15 percent of all human deaths. The risk of cancer can be greatly reduced with a healthy lifestyle. About 22 percent of cancer deaths are caused by tobacco use.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Shine brightly with unrestrained enthusiasm this week. Do not forget your wedding anniversary. And remember that you have two meetings on Thursday so you should come in to work early. Don’t forget to buy milk and eggs on your way home from work today. Friday is the last day to pay the electricity bill. Civil disobedience is tolerated in this country but disobedience to your wife is dealt with an iron first.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Last week, the forecast for Virgo was accidentally exchanged with the forecast for Libra. We sincerely regret the error. You were to take a break from work and spend more time with your partner. The company is not liable for any losses caused by taking a break from the partner and spending more time at work, because of a misinterpretation of the wrong forecast.
Libra (September 23 – October 23): Last week, the forecast for Libra was accidentally exchanged with the forecast for Virgo. We sincerely regret the error. However, Libras are the quiet, balanced, artistic types, so your chances of wealth or romance in any given week are practically next to none. So stop whining.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21): This is the perfect week to let go and allow your loved ones to be there carefree selves. If your husband is a Leo and he forgets your wedding anniversary, do not take the matter seriously or it may have consequences on his health. The position of Venus shows that all those rumors that he flirts with his boss’ secretary at work are completely baseless.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): This is not the time to indulge in rosy fantasies. If you are Sagittarius and currently sitting in outside the parliament in Islamabad asking for the prime minister to resign so that you become the prime minister, you may want to step back and rethink your strategy. Sagittarius people are introverts. You are making a fool of yourself with your ridiculous attempts at public speaking.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Capricorn people are said to be lucky. That is perhaps because a lack of natural abilities leaves them with no other choice but to rely on luck. So if you are a prime minister being asked to resign, do not budge. You are a Capricorn – fortunate and ambitious but miserly and pathetic. Who needs an enemy when you have yourself.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): If a Leo colleague asks you for a loan, do not hesitate and do not say you don’t have any. Do not be a typical Aquarius compulsive liar. Nature will reward you with abundance. Everybody hates Aquarius people. This is your chance to make your first and only friend.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): If you think Monday was bad, wait until Wednesday. By Saturday you will wish you were an internally displaced person – left alone and forgotten about. You do not want attention, except the kind you will only get if you kill yourself.
n The author has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer.