Apart from the omnipresent seasons of terror, load shedding and big fat weddings, there is one season in my beloved land of the pure that makes every women in the country go a bit gaga. The cray cray season of lawn launch that starts somewhere in January and lasts till mid December.

During this time a new lawn collection is launched every single day. The usual sequence of events for any brand is, pre booking of volume one, launch of volume one, women pulling each other’s hair in shops, volume one sold out, replicas available for a fraction of price and finally everyone wearing the coveted print which was so rare to find you thought it was an urban myth.  Followed by volume 2 pre booking, repeat cycle of mass hysteria, punctuated by Eid collections, sale and more hair pulling and cat fights. Before you can even blink volume 227 is booked, out, fought for, copied and gone. Then the New Year starts.

In the days of the launch season, everywhere you see there are huge billboards displaying sad, skinny models draped in some sort of print which necessarily contain a mirror, the skyline of a city, some bizarre flowers or birds with strange colored feathers and loads of embroidery. 

Dear extremely creative people designing lawn, what have you been overdosing on? 

I completely agree that your creative genius is unparalleled and the prints you bring in the market every couple of weeks look seriously exotic on the slender frames of seven feet tall salad chewing beauties weighing a few ounces. They look extremely sexy on those lovelies tending camels, stroking horses, milking sheep or sipping some deliciously forbidden drink at far off locations, but they do not look that great on most of us doing our daily chores like nagging, pulling, pushing, juggling and shoving our spouse, kids, in-laws, jobs and extended families (In no particular order).

Besides, most of us, or the sole clientele of your product are around five feet short, a little/a lot over weight (sorry ladies), fall in the age bracket of 20 to 35 (because we are Pakistani women and we never ever cross 35). And instead of pouting and lounging on beaches or frolicking in deserts with friends and animals, we have to cook food, supervise maids, go to work and above all attend and organize Milaads, Majlises, funerals, family dinners, birthdays and committee parties.

At any of the above occasions, I would absolutely not want to display a city on my back or a tropical forest with all its endangered species on my front. If I want a piece of art displayed, I would prefer to hang it on a wall instead of getting it printed on my dupatta; I would place an urn in my patio and not on my derriere, and I would absolutely not want to be caught dead with a strange creature perched on my bosom or a crumbling building clinging to my sleeves. (All of the aforementioned elements can be found on a single jora by the way)

The reason there are women attacking each other on the shop floors is simply that the prints and designs induce terror, horror and anger. Some prints are so psychotic they should come with a shrink or a 'wear with caution' warning. Some collections can easily be renamed as “50 Shades of Rage”  “Malignant Mayhem” or “Pinterest Pondering”.

I am a devotee to the doomed temple of summer clothing. I love the soft lawn fabric and I want it to look like fabric. I want to have lovely happy prints. There is already so much chaos in life; I don't want chaos in my wardrobe. I want to be able to get 2 meters of beautiful printed lawn and turn it into a shirt. I don't want to spend 6,975 rupees on ten yards of fabric in the name of a designer suit that my tailor can never stitch according to the prescribed design. It is sheer wastage of fabric, money and time. 

This is utter madness and there must be some hidden conspiracy behind this whole lawn mania (foreign hand perhaps). Do I deserve an Oscar now for exposing an ugly truth about the lawn mafia of my homeland?

This is my first lawn season as a married woman and I cannot forget the look of bewilderment on the face of my beloved husband when I made him sit with me to see all the must have pieces from latest collections (Thanks to Facebook pages). The guy chocked when I presented him with a grand total (in six digits) for this month’s shopping budget for a few dresses, the poor thing looked so dead, I nearly gave him a CPR. (I think he will launch a complaint against me for emotionally exploiting and torturing him)

I am feeling so compelled to launch my own lawn collection for this reason and to save my sanity, serve humanity (after all I am a doctor) and attain world peace. An adorable collection, with absolutely no ugly print in sight, at affordable prices, that can make this world a better planet to inhabit.  It will lead to harmony within the household and then there will be no need for spouse protection bill.

I don't do nostalgia but strangely I want to go back to a time when the complexity of assembling a lawn jora included wearing a printed shirt with white shalwar dupatta and no designer suit dictated or bullied you to make sleeves of this and back of that or bullied you to put borders and embroidery motives at certain points precisely. 

I want to enjoy my lawn dresses I don't want to be haunted by them.

P.S: If any of the big lawn brands rep or designer is reading this post please feel free to prove me wrong by sending some of your latest designs (For research purposes only) preferably the next volume.

P.P.S: I sincerely wish all the lovely ladies reading this post the very best of summer clothing. May all your dresses get stitched in time bringing absolute happiness in your lives and give you sheer joy and pleasure of wearing them before the replicas arrive. May you never encounter anyone else wearing the same jora as you at any occasion. Amen.

Disclaimer: This post is non-sponsored; completely gluten free and no living beings were harmed while composing it. A short Volume 1 was posted on Facebook earlier and a lot of replicas are circulating around.