Cricket fans are ecstatic at the prospects of a feisty new captain for the struggling Pakistani team after young all-rounder Bilawal Bhatti changed his name to Bilawal Bhutto-Bhatti in a bid to qualify for a leadership position.
The move was inspired by a fiery pro-poor speech on Sunday by People’s Party chairman Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari. Bilawal’s inspirational rise to the top seat in his party has encouraged millions of young men and women all over the world who are also waiting anxiously for their rich parents to retire or die.  His feudal background, lack of political experience and naïve worldview make him a perfect fit in the left-liberal politics of Pakistan, analysts believe.  
“He has come a long way – from a simple, inexperienced child who did not understand the politics of Pakistan, to a simple, inexperienced adult who does not understand the politics of Pakistan,” one party stalwart said.
On Sunday, hundreds of hostages were released after thirty painful minutes of torture as Bilawal told his party workers in a speech that his party had stood up to international pressure during its tenure in government to steal from the rich and give to the poor. Millions watched the tragedy in agonizing silence as it was broadcast live on television, with little content warning.
The nation was on the verge of tears after reports that one young hostage could not be freed. Rescue officials have identified the trapped child as Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari. Analysts fear for the child’s safety and worry that he may be forced to become a politician. “Imagine what he will have to endure,” a mother of two remarked. “They will make him wear Shalwar Kamiz and not let him button his collar and sleeves. He will have to make loud uncouth speeches and shake hands with thousands of people.”
A PPP insider told reporters that Bilawal was safe and had decided to become a politician of his own free will. “He is learning the tricks of the trade,” the source said. “In a few years, he will be able to make an Urdu speech in Urdu.”
The situation developed soon after May when the party lost the elections and was virtually wiped out from Punjab. Credit for this defeat is being given to Muslim League veteran Manzoor Wattoo, who launched a vicious campaign to malign the rival party by joining it and becoming its Punjab president.
The party has been trying to regroup after the loss, amidst the shocking reports that one of its prime minister might be arrested for corruption. “The only more shocking news this year so far has been that their other prime minister will not be arrested for corruption,” one expert said.
Veterans of the formerly socialist party have blamed the US for their defeat, saying the elections were rigged as part of an international conspiracy. “The conspiracy does not seem to have worked,” one security expert said. “The only thing they achieved is one less confused rich kid in western universities,” he said, without naming Bilawal.
The angry young leader opposes privatization of state assets, downsizing of government, and any other economic measures taken under IMF pressure that might force the hundreds of thousands of poor people of Pakistan to work for a living.
“As soon as we come back in power, we will re-nationalize all these companies,” he told this scribe through a source. “There are better ways of improving efficiency and cutting costs than management reforms,” he said. “In order to cut fuel, power and stationary costs, we can suspend all operations after nationalizing them.” As a first step, his party plans to invite government employees only on the first day of each month and collect their paychecks. In the second stage, the government could hire more employees to ensure that the salary and other amenities are delivered to the existing employees at their doorstep. “Everybody has a right to free food, education, health, and government housing and jobs. And self-respect is the most important. These American slaves are hurting people’s self-respect by asking them to work.”
To a question, he said his party found the economy in ruins when it took over from former military ruler Pervez Musharraf. “They number of parliamentarians with BA degrees increased manifold during his regime,” a party leader elaborated. “The economy was in such a poor condition that they could not find any decent jobs.”
He severely criticized the economy for diverting attention from the more pressing issues such as drone attacks. The leader was hopeful his aggressive young chairman would beat former cricket captain Imran Khan in US bashing.
“Bilawal Bhutto and Bilawal Bhatti are alike – they’re both young, passionate, and know nothing about politics.”

 The author has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer.

Email: harris@nyu.edu

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