Dear trusted perpetrator. You are the father, the brother, the husband and the son. The man of the house who provides and supports us and in whom we place our trust and love and an inherent belief that in this patriarchal world you will make us feel safe. Trust me, we don’t take this for granted. We respect and love you twice and more in return. We place you in the position of power and authority whether it is giving you the seat at the head of the dinner table or our inheritance shares.
Yes, we believe in equality but nonetheless our collective unconsciousness drives us to act in contradiction and we choose you over us in so many ways. So tell us what drives some of you to physically hurt us so badly that it leaves us battered and bruised? Why do you verbally abuse us and freely hit us with words and fists whenever you feel like it? And then you threaten us not to tell anyone and shame us for making it happen. And guess what; so many times, we take the blame. We believe it’s our fault. Yes, the food wasn’t cooked to your liking. We should have informed you that we are getting late from work. That male colleague at work shouldn’t have texted about the presentation. The house isn’t as clean it should be, right?
We also trust you when you tell us that it’s our fighting back which is the problem. If we stay quiet and let us be ourselves the punching bag for you, we will probably get shouted at and hit less than we usually are.
But dear perpetrator, we tried that, but it didn’t work either. To the best of our ability, we do and say all that you ask us to and out of nowhere comes a fist or a punch. We feel scared. We are petrified. We feel lost, not knowing how to make you happy. How to stop you when you get on top of us and try to strangle us, telling us to shut up? We lost our voice very soon, can’t you see?
People also ask us why we choose to stay. Why we cannot break this cycle of abuse. Why we don’t fight back. We badly want to, you know. But then sometimes, our children’s faces swarm before our eyes which stops us. Sometimes it’s our nuclear families that do not support us and shame us for even considering a way out. Sometimes it’s your apology after the abuse that makes us hope again and recommit to you. And at times, there is a voice inside that says if our mother could take it why can’t we? And then there is a deep-rooted inherited belief that we must sacrifice, and someday that sacrifice will be rewarded. Don’t ask us what that means because even we don’t know, but we swallowed that truth perhaps the day we were born. Scared of rejection and abandonment, we stay. And we stay because we hope that one day this will stop.
We trusted you to be our caretaker, our guardian. So tell us what changed, or were you always like this and we ignored the signs? Tell us what made you turn from an innocent little boy to this cruel man? Was it that you saw your father doing the same? Was it your own lack of power and control growing up that makes you control us through physical power? What makes you so angry? Or a better word would be rage. Are we a threat to you in some way that makes your blood boil? Is it because we earn more than you? Is it your inferiority complex that drives you to such levels of insanity? Or is it your substance abuse?
Whatever it is, please stop. We have lost our voice but we are screaming inside for you to stop. We still have hope that you will stop. Whatever emotions you are hiding behind this wrath let us see it. Please seek help for this because we believe you are as much a victim to this cruel monster as we are. Let someone in who can help you. Because we cannot bear this any longer. Please stop hurting us. Stop!