Free speech

Dear Editor,

Altaf Hussain’s speeches are like Pakistani weddings – loud, long and boring, but full of scandal. Another commonality is that it is always a matter of debate as to whether the audience was forced to attend or they attended of their own free will, leading to the philosophical realization that free will does not exist in vacuum.

Every time he makes a speech, he not only offends a lot of listeners, he also disrupts the regular transmission of news channels, and wastes a large chunk of air time. I believe the only solution to this problem is that the government should set up a separate TV channel dedicated solely to speeches by Altaf Hussain.

That way, other news channels will be free to carry on with their regular transmission, in which they could waste their air time and offend their audience in any way they like.

I urge those in the corridors of power to pay heed to my suggestion.

READ MORE: Clear negligence

Billu Bayzaar,



To whom it may or may not concern,

With reference to famous artist Jawad Bashir’s new scary movie, respectfully I beg to submit that the only scary thing about that movie is that after watching it, I am scared about the future of Pakistan’s film industry.

I must take this opportunity to congratulate him, however, for having made his mark yet again as Pakistan’s most hilarious comedian.

Jamil Jinn,


Voter woes

Dear Sir divided by Madam,

Free and fair elections are the only mechanism available to the citizens of a republic to choose which party they want to bring in government so that they can blame them for all their problems for the next five years.

Tens of people died last year and hundreds removed each other from their friends list Facebook in violence related to Imran Khan’s allegation that the elections have been rigged. Now, a commission of judges probing the allegations is pressuring his party to gather evidence of the allegations Imran Khan and has faithful followers made. What they do not understand is that logical proof has no role to play in matters of belief and faith.

I want to use this space – otherwise reserved for some other absurd opinion – to recommend that we should ensure the transparency of elections by forming a new law that makes it mandatory for voters to reveal which candidate or party they voted for. The information should be public record. Anyone should be able to see who voted for whom. If people voted for the right party, then they should have nothing to hide.

The move will not only resolve the problem of rigging allegations once and for all, but also ensure that any anger by any candidate or party in the wake of the election is only directed at those voters who are guilty, and not at the innocent law-abiding and conscientious citizens who voted for the right party.

Speaking of voter, I also want to being to your attention to the important problem that the people of Karachi are suffering from a lack of clean drinking voter. This issue must also be resolved.

Charlie Chokas,


Variables and constants


You have reported several times in your esteemed newspaper that the average income in Pakistan has increased over the last two years. I wanted to bring your attention to the fact that I live in Pakistan and my average income has remained constant over the last several years. However, the average number of new children my wife and I have every year has also remained constant at 1. Could these be mistakes on the part of your reporter?



Why fly?

Hey there,

You know how there’s something ridiculous going on with the PIA like ALL the flying TIME? I know they don’t give too much of a fly about what people say, but how about if the Prime Minister could tell them to like, give up the flying business altogether? I know, I know, some people will say, ‘what the fly are you talking about?’ and go on about the ‘national flag carrier’ crap, but hear me out.

So, I’m not saying they’ve got to shut up shop altogether and fly off. But how about, like, if they could just run a ground transport business?

A, China’s building us new roads and all – why the fly should we not use them? B, they won’t have to listen to all that trash talk about passenger safety and all that jazz.

What do you guys say?

Raju Robot,