Ever since we came into power this time, I haven't slept for a single hour. I had been sleeping for hours and hours instead. Earlier my sleep used to be one or two hours at a stretch, but then BB was alive. Now things have changed dramatically. Sain Asif, unlike his martyred wife, is not a hard taskmaster at all. He is a soft and tender person. He believes that a smile is a weapon too. He can even kill with a smile. Oops I mean that figuratively. This time, Sain Asif has taken a little too long in Greece, UK and Europe. Aren't these two countries in Europe too much? Never mind. I very well know that when Sain Asif returns home, he will call every member of the kitchen cabinet to account. From me, he will most definitely ask, what have you been doing in my absence, Malik Gee? My answer would be plain and simple. Here are some excerpts to make you guys feel good. HIDING FROM THE TRIBALS These tribals are not only fanatics, but they are morons too. You know why? They think that the ongoing military operation in the tribal areas was my brainchild. The idiots don't know the simple fact that to have a brainchild, you ought to have a brain too. I felt so flattered when this allegation first hit the media market, but then the agencies started saying funny things about some mysterious suicide bomber looking for me all over the Interior Ministry. I really wonder, what kind of business does this stupid bomber has to discuss with me? You can't trust these fanatics. They can go off the track in a jiffy. "Some of the suicide bombers can even be extremely dangerous," tells Kamal Shah, my Secretary. "How dangerous", was the obvious question that any sensible person would have asked Mr Shah. So did I. And guess what? He started laughing like a horse. The typical police sense of humour; keep laughing, eating or abusing, no matter what. Anyways, I have instantaneously cancelled all my meetings and have warned my staff not to give any appointment to suicide bombers, serial killers, bank-robbers, the NRO investigators and other anti-social elements etc. But somebody must investigate that who on earth spreads such rumours in the media market. This is definitely an act of betrayal and that's why, I suspect some mole from the N-League. A SUDDEN RAID AT THE POLICE STATION Shahbaz Sharif has hundreds of hang-ups about his efficiency. He is known for making sudden raids to various hospitals and police stations, but spends at least a week rehearsing each raid. Now what kind of  "suddenness" is that? My method is very different and more interesting. What I do is, I have managed to plant a mole in each police station in South Asia. Although it cost me a fortune, but who cares? The important thing is to have your own men at the right place at the right time. These loyal moles of mine start spreading funny rumours about me at certain police stations a day before I intend to raid them. For instance I am too busy these days, writing a book or some newspaper article etc, can you believe? The idiots at the police station do. So whenever I show up, they are all flabbergasted or shocked, if you can't take heavy phrases. This time it was the notorious Abpara Police Station. I tried to dramatise the situation as usual and went wearing the disguise of a terrorist. Now, that was a mistake, I admit. Nobody paid any attention. So I kept looking here and there but nobody noticed. I picked a couple of pockets and snatched a few mobile phones too, but nobody noticed. I was very angry. You know why? Both the wallets I picked were empty and the phones I snatched were devoid of any balance whatsoever. Then some darn "muharer" shouted; "watch out, there is a moron on the premises, impersonating Mr Sherry Rehman and robbing the heck out of everybody". Obviously, that was me, with a slight error of name and gender. I was caught, what those fools wrote in the FIR "red-handedly". The stolen goods were also recovered, but I kept mum. I was eager to know what their next move would be. That's how I had been learning throughout my career. Some people think it's learning the hard way. Perhaps they are right, because the fools at the police station started manhandling me. This is a euphemism for bashing. It was only a miracle that my lousy gunman woke up from the noise which must have been produced by my screams. I would again say that only a miracle or at least a nuclear explosion could wake him up as he sleeps like most legislators sleep during a budget session. He came inside the station and after rendering an apology, introduced the top brass" including the SHO and the "muharer" etc. to me. Instead of being ashamed, they all stared at me as if I were a real thief. My gunman again intervened and requested them to show some respect. The SHO dropped the charges, but during the strip, some goon stole my own wallet and mobile phone. On my way back, I dictated a brief order to my PS over the wireless, suspending the SHO and the "muharer". "Are you a kripromaniac or what, I mean, why did you have to steal from those poor jawans. You are already too rich," the gunman asked with a satanic squint and a smile. I suspended him too. Email comment and queries:aftabiqbal7@hotmail.com