Toolkit for a Muslim WOC satirist and poet

A skin-deep sewn-in 'faithometre' to bleep red lights installed all around her vicinity and send code red internationally alarming her male relatives to rush, rescue and stop her from falling every time she is spotted mingling with people of other faith

A Special Certificate of Good Conduct and Behavior (SCGCB) signed by her father, brother or husband sealed with a chastity stamp pasted on her chest. "CLEARED", lettered large in caps on it.

A digital gatepass pinning her location connected to anyone of her male relatives' Apple device. In case of the most unlikely event of the total absence of any male figure in the family, an immediate connection to Email would suffice because 'E is guarded by Mail here after all'.

A chip-sized camera inserted into her crown face-timing a panoramic view of every human, inhuman, besties, beastie, wall, tower, tomb, floor, garden or blade of grass she ever treads.

A microchip thrust under her finger tips beeping loud as and when she shakes hand with anyone or lays fingers on anything other than herself.

A retina scan device implanted underneath her pupils to scan and run instant red alerts as and when her lenses register the presence or absence of any man other than her father, brother or husband.

A specially manufactured artificial clot of blood, a wonder of nano science, injected into her blood stream. This bead sized bug would shoot immediate notifications as and when the blood rushes instead of circulating in a usual amble of a lazy well fed camel recorded earlier, always, ever;  or would honk shrill alarms the moment an excessive fluttering of lashes or skipping or racing of heartbeat is recorded.

A skin-deep sewn-in 'faithometre' to bleep red lights installed all around her vicinity and send code red internationally alarming her male relatives to rush, rescue and stop her from falling every time she is spotted mingling with people of other faith.

A latest marvel, an innovation of cognitive sciences called a 'Verve Detector' which is a micro sized nerve cell inserted surgically at puberty to catch every cognitive activity which has even a remotest, blurriest link to love life either her own or involves imagining someone else's anywhere in this or any other universe not yet discovered. This device works as a double edged sword. Upon registering any irregular cognitive activity, it transmits signals all over the world from North to South Pole independent of wifi, fiber optics or satellite connections. Internally, working within her brains, it can eliminate any rouge neurosis right when it's daring to take place anytime, for any reason whatsoever. Nip the evil before it even buds!

An Auditory Bug, flimsy like tissue papers for her convenience as she is supposed to do it even in bed, stuck gently behind her ears. This is a hypersensitive auditory device optimized to drown out any noise i.e. causes, reasons, background, buildup to or bone of contention of any rumor or gossip about her daily task of breathing in and out like perfectly normal humans. But what it does its best is to record even a minutest mumble ever said in her praise by anyone or anything for whatsoever reason, known or unknown who cares. It's a real stunner for generation X as the device can translate those auditory decibels into many languages at a time such as English, Arabic, German, Hindi and Urdu. Every morning a long flap from her auditory journal translated into desired customized language dangles down from her ears to set her records right.

Last, but, for sure, not the finale one as R&D never stops for novel sensations to equip her with, she needs a multipurpose macro 'Explainator' working round the clock to issue and disseminate digital, oral, in print justifications and elaborate explanation of each and every comma, period, line, dot, emoji, gif, meme, idea, joke or hoax with exact, word by word reference to the context they are written in. Another purpose it serves is to publish constant public reminder pleading not to read a Muslim WOC’s personal life into every smilie, metaphor and poem that she ever conjures up being helpless before her vivid imagination. And later on, seizing it as an opportunity to use 'the license to fix' things which don't need fixing at all. A must have as inevitable as vital signs for life!

Now, for a nano second, just imagine imagining after having been fully armed with this handy dandy state-of-the-art toolkit.

PS: All these novel miracles of science are available on or off line free of cost at last-come-first-get basis for her sheer inconvenience. All that she has to do is to register herself as a writer or satirist or a poet or simply exist as a Muslim WOC.

The writer is a poet/satirist/spoken-word poet/performer/podcaster of Pakistani origin residing in Bahrain

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