The phenomenal success of various factions of the Taliban in the last decade has proven that if a government funds compelling private ventures led by young entrepreneurs, these jobless youth can sustain themselves, create new jobs, and drive the economy – all within a few years. The government in Islamabad understands the importance of small businesses in a growing economy, and is making policies to ensure all large businesses in Pakistan become small businesses. And the growing population of Pakistan is proof that it is a youth-friendly society.  
A key initiative the government is working on to decrease the number of jobless university graduates is to decrease the number of university graduates. But until that happens, it has decided to replicate the success of the Taliban by offering soft loans to young entrepreneurs to start their own businesses.  
“Rich industrialists and influential politicians have mercilessly wasted public money for decades,” the prime minister said at the inauguration of the program. “The government will ensure that radicalized youth are given equal opportunity to do the same.”
Applications are being sought in the following categories on a rolling basis.
Business: Tour manager
Brief description: Our beloved homeland Pakistan has been blessed with natural beauty, especially in its mountainous northern regions. Many of these mountains are not being utilized for guerilla warfare purposes at the moment. The government’s efforts to create a positive image of Pakistan globally can also be used by young entrepreneurs to invite foreign tourists to the country. The prospective entrepreneur then has the opportunity to abduct them and make ridiculous political demands for their release. Following negotiations, these demands can be dropped in favor of a hefty ransom.  
Focus: The business should be located in a town close to the tribal areas of Pakistan so that it can benefit from the various opportunities of justice ensured by alternative legal frameworks. Small businesses of this nature can also employ and empower women.
Scope: The potential for investment is mostly geographical, but clientele may also be expanded to nongovernmental organizations, multinationals, and local industrialists and manufacturers.
Critical factors: Appropriate mechanism for training of employees and a professional working environment
Business: Livestock
Brief description: Clerics of various kinds can be raised on a nutritionally balanced diet in a seminary to achieve targeted weight gain in a specified amount of time. These clerics can be kept in madrassas for up to several years to gain an expected weight of up to 300 kilograms, for batches of up to five clerics per school. Higher yields are possible with better husbandry skills such as timely feeding and watering.
Focus: The clerics should be preferably male and of local breeds, and should be selected with an eye on fodder production.
Scope: Fattened clerics can be sold to various religious organizations and intelligence agencies at premium prices.
Critical factors: The prospective entrepreneur must be well versed in the changes in the supply and demand of clerics in the geopolitical market.
Business: Construction
Brief description: Housing and public works can play a crucial role in a country’s economic development. Private construction can be a vehicle for savings and a site of capital investment, and a number of examples can be cited to prove that government investment in public works can trigger immense economic activity. In the absence of a desire for modernization and growth, such an activity can be triggered by groups of entrepreneurs who use explosive devices and other ammunition to raze schools, military and civil infrastructure, houses of security personal and people belonging to minority faiths, and churches and mosques.
Focus: Damage to schools allows the government to seek foreign funding, thus making possible a situation in which economic growth is triggered by foreign investment.  
Scope: The venture continues on autopilot during the monsoon season.
Critical factors: The key success factor in this business is to level buildings only in areas where the local government can afford to rebuild them.
Business: Security agency
Brief description: Amidst worsening law and order conditions in the country since the beginning of the recent war in Afghanistan, wealthy residents of large cities like Karachi, Lahore, Peshawar and Faisalabad are becoming more and more concerned about the safety of their life and properly. It is that fear because of which there are more than 800 registered security agencies operating in the country. At such a crucial juncture, visionary entrepreneurs can see an opportunity – this fear can be exploited to persuade wealthy people to give a portion of their income to these new organizations in return for a guarantee of their safety. These organizations can thus provide general or executive security services at competitive rates.
Focus: Armed personnel deployments can be made to target markets Karachi, Islamabad, Peshawar, Lahore, Faisalabad, Quetta, Hyderabad, Multan, Sukkur, Rawalpindi, Sialkot, Gujranwala and Gujrat.
Scope: The business can provide employment to up to 100 people, and analysis reveal that it can start making significant profits in the very first year.
Critical factors: The prospective entrepreneur must build linkages in corporate and law-enforcement sectors. Surveillance equipment and weapons are easily available in the market.

The author has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer.

Email:harris@nyu.edu

Tweets at:@cyborgasms