Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): This fiscal year is full of opportunities. The only problem is that they’re all for other people and not for you. Good luck finding a job with your IQ and skills you miserable son of a gun. Your income is not your problem this year. There will hardly be any. The real problem is your expenses. Leave that to your parents this year too. Too bad Pakistan cannot ask it’s parents to support it.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): If you are poor, this budget will prove to be the much needed incentive that you needed to stop being poor. In any case, the budget is not for the poor. It is a kind of a plan of how to spend money. You don’t have any money. So the budget is not for you.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Pluto was in your house but you were not home. You may not get a significant salary raise after this budget, but that does not mean you should give up on office politics. You should focus your positive energy on making sure your colleagues also do not get a significant raise. Look towards Venus, the goddess of abundance and office politics.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Spend all the money you have and all the money you can spend that you don’t have. Remember: For every Pakistan, there is a China. The sun will shine on Uranus one of these days. The year of America is over. This is the year of China.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22): Regardless of your starsign, if you hire the services of a Leo horoscope writer, it is very important that you increase his salary significantly this year. Please help him. God helps those who help others. I will pray for your health and happiness. Please please please.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22): It’s time you moved your business to a home office. Firstly, there are too many distractions in the office, such as work. Secondly, there’s a simple rule: Those who work pay taxes. If you sit around harassing your secretary only, you should not be paying taxes. And harassment is not cheap. You pay a very high tax on all those inappropriate phone calls and text messages.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22): If you’re a housewife and your husband is a horoscope writer, brace for a very hard fiscal year. Keep your expenses minimum and don’t ask him for money. If you will annoy him, you will invite bad luck and die a slow painful death.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Your unemployment has nothing to do with the economy and the federal budget. It’s just that you’re not good enough. To begin with, try removing the clichéd ‘objective’ section from your CV. Then, jazz up the ‘education’ section by going to university and actually getting some education. By the way, nobody reading your CV cares about your hobbies.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): No. It is not possible for the government to abolish all taxes and stop taking loans from foreign countries and banks, while also making education, health and electricity free for everyone. It just doesn’t add up. Do the math. Sorry but you’re going to have to contribute.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19): A housewife in Florida is earning $7,000 a month working twenty minutes a day on the internet. She has found a new secret to making money on the internet. Her life has changed. But yours will not. So stop reading horoscopes and get back to work.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): The universe does not want you to file your tax returns. Keep most of your transactions undocumented this year. That will help you personally and financially. Only claim to be a taxpayer during an emotional outburst against the government or the police. No taxation without representation, goes the maxim. You did not vote to be taxed, and the government is misrepresenting you.

Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20): Sorry dear. It takes knowledge of basic arithmetic to understand what the federal budget is about. A good for nothing dimwit like you should not concern himself with such things. You should think about things you can handle, such as writing a newspaper article about the federal budget.