Personal growth is not the perfect term.. maybe heightened existential awareness would be better.. a certain proportion of widows.. develop a new appreciation for the preciousness of life. And a new set of priorities.. One might say they learn to trivialize the trivialities. They learn to say no to the things they do not want to do, to devote themselves to those aspects of life that provide meaning: love of close friends and family.. Perhaps most important of all, they gain a keen sense of their own finiteness and, as a consequence, learn to live in the immediate present.." (Yalom, 1996, p.71-72)
Although Yalom himself doesn't posit this, I lean towards thinking that, given the contingency of a very gratifying, intimate marriage of sufficient length, the younger a woman is when widowed, the more powerful this effect would likely be - the more unexpected the bereavement, the great the upheaval, and the greater and more immediate the opportunity for a consequent epiphany.
Now keep all of this in mind, because that's just the half of it.
We've all heard about how great men have behind them great women. Ho-hum. But let's consider, when we talk about the greatest of men - with particular reference to a man who, more than any other, is considered to be the greatest man in history - do we talk about ordinary women alongside?
On the contrary, when we talk about the aforementioned, in the midst of the greatest upheaval and through the greatest struggles of his life, we talk about the Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W) and a certain woman he married, twice widowed before the age of forty, known by the name of Khadija bint Khuwaylid (R.A), who offered her unremitting, unwavering support when none was to be found elsewhere.
The 'mother of Islam.' The woman who first accepted Muhammad's (S.A.W) message when it was met with only doubt and rejection; who encouraged Muhammad (S.A.W) to embrace his appointment when he himself was struck with terror at the thought of it; who used her wealth in his mission to support and feed the persecuted Muslim community. The most beloved, the most exalted, of his wives.
The power of the widow.
When Muhammad (S.A.W) was outdoors catering to his 'instrumental' role of preaching and fighting for the cause of Islam, his steadfast wife - equipped with her power of heightened existential awareness - was with unfailing dedication tending to her 'expressive' role of catering to the children and family matters at home. And she must have been excellent at it, because enter the greatest man in history. (Sidenote: More elaboration on the above in an earlier publication of mine, If Shahid Afridi were a Sociologist at Harvard.)
And, for good measure, all but one of the Prophet’s (S.A.W) wives were reportedly widows. At a time when the virginity of brides was greatly emphasized and re-marriage of widows was difficult, this was likely done not in small part so that at least his people would take inspiration and rise above the very primitive current of the time.
Where is this glorious Sunnah today?
I don't see any Islamic scholars looking to revive this beautiful and indisputably functional practice of the patriarch of our religion. I see plenty of Islamic scholars, some wholeheartedly embracing the title of 'Hazrat' (honourable) beside their names, leading unbearable marathons of poetry on the 'dastaan-e-ishq' that is the story of man and his Lord; where did the seat and irreplaceable role of the woman in the equation go? Muhammad (S.A.W) himself said that the more a man increases in religiosity, the more his love for women increases - likely because endeavoring to become a resolute Muslim in practice makes you profoundly appreciative of how unsubstitutable the role of the aforementioned is in that endeavor; it is essentially a part of it.
You can take the most celebrated Islamic scholar of the time, once someone attempts to circumvent a Sunnah of our Prophet (S.A.W), they are going to render themselves incompetent. Enter our Islamic scholars being completely oblivious to Dale Carnegie's most elementary principle, which isn't going to leave them a chance with the modern woman: you will not win people over for how amazing (or, in this case, how honourable) you are, (and so consequently also win them over to the religion that you constitute the face of), you will win them over for how amazing you make them feel about themselves.
Is it any wonder that even those of our women who are raised with resolutely secular upbringings but grow to be drawn to Islam nonetheless, still remain petrified at the thought of being matched up with a bearded fellow?
As brilliant as Dr. Irvin Yalom may be, he was far, far preempted, and outdone by virtue of actual practice, by our Prophet (S.A.W) at the former's own game.
So where is the long overdue appreciation of the power of the widow? - of this uber-woman?
"Boy, you can be as much man as you have woman behind you."
Well, perhaps our Mr. Honourables are waiting for someone not-so-honourable to take the initiative. I just hope they're not using the Human Development Index for the purpose, because I think this initiative just might come from Lahore.
The writer is the head of Scholars by Profession, a local research-initiative. Scholars by Profession is a research workshop that initially came together as a research club on the eve of 2011. www.facebook.com/scholarsbyprofession