I am Pakistani down to my bootlaces. I find it below my dignity to stop at red traffic lights or if forced to do so by circumstances will invariably park myself across the zebra crossing. I hate being stopped by policemen at security checkpoints and will leave no stone unturned in insulting the men, who risk their lives in performing this duty. I am proud of the fact that I always sneak dangerously into queued up vehicles at check points so that I can get past the spot before others can.

I am Pakistani and can be recognized by my resistance to being given a traffic violation ticket. I will waste valuable time by arguing with the custodian of the law and refusing to acknowledge that I have done anything wrong. If all else fails, I will pick up my cell phone and dial a relative or friend, who sits in high places. I will then triumphantly hand over the phone to the cop - and with a smug sneer wait for results.

I am Pakistani and my favorite activity is to make sure that my country remains un-clean. To that end I will do my best to throw litter and spit where I stand, even though there may be a trash can a few feet away from me.

My favorite entertainment spot is the airport for it is here that I can bring my entire clan to receive and see off friends or relatives. I would love to carry out this ritual on the runway itself, but authorities do not permit me to do this. I make up the deficit by repeatedly crossing the barriers set up at the arrival and departure gates.

I would consider it poor show, if all my kin do not turn up to cheer ailing family members in hospitals. I often enter into argument with the hospital staff when they tell me that we are obstructing their work or that visiting hours are over. I however register my protest by camping out on the lawns and littering the place at will.

While nothing scares me, I am a little concerned these days by the Government’s paranoia over a measly mosquito that allegedly spreads something called Dengue Fever. After all it is the Government that is supposed to ensure that this mosquito does not bite me and my family. I can only do my bit by following routine and not succumbing to panic. I have therefore instructed my Gardner and my Chauffeur to continue watering my flower pots and wash the car on the drive without qualm or fear.

I want to see my country prosper and to that end I have decided to get rich on the fast track. I am going to try my luck by becoming part of the land mafia. My next door neighbor took only a year to buy a house and car by simply grabbing somebody else’s neglected property, so why can’t I do the same? I also have a Plan B up my sleeve. If something goes wrong with my land grabbing venture, I will open a travel agency and do public service by sending my fellow countrymen abroad, without them having to go through the hassle of a proper passport and visa. And in the worst case scenario if this fails, I shall fall back to manufacturing clever copies of foreign brands and selling them to naïve shoppers.

But wait - I am also a Pakistani, who left home and family to help the victims of the October 2008 earthquake; I am also a Pakistani, who opened his coffers when people ravaged by floods needed help and I am also the Pakistani, who gelled into a solid wall and stood unflinching, when the country was faced with external aggression.

I may tally up more minuses than pluses, whenever I am accounted, but as long as an iota of goodness remains inside me, there is hope that I may yet heal myself.

The writer is a freelance columnist.