It’s no secret that our men are heartthrobs. Pakistani women have always known that.

Miss Travel merely reconfirmed the fact last weekend when the site compared Pakistani men to Indians and 200 other nationalities, declaring them to be worthy of sexy spot #3. Mind you, our men aren’t always beaten to rank third. Reality is, in Pakistan, Pakistani men are the one and only sexy ones. (We’ll just let that sink in; take your time. Really, take a little more time. We insist.)

So, in case you’re doubtful about this ranking and are wondering what’s exactly so sexy about men of Pakistan because you’ve perhaps just seen Altaf Bhai (we sympathize) or Nawaz Sharif (we are so very sorry) or heard Imran Khan talk (we…well…suggest you should’ve really muted your TV/radio), let us describe, for your convenience, an average Pakistani hunk.

  • Raven dark eyes; unless you are a Pathan or Pashtun, then, lapis-lazuli/sea-green/silver-gray/totally-dreamy eyes. Or if you’re Taher Shah, then, spectrum eyes, exciting, stylish, essential eyes…coupled with bleeding, kill-me-now, I-wanna-die ears…*shudder*
  • Sparkly tanned skin that makes the gora world turn red-hot with heat in a heartbeat. Edward Cullen got nothing on our men (including his fangs).
  • Chiseled face and the angular jawline; that is not to be blamed on lack of nutrition, please, but generously attributed to the genes of Aryan/Arab/Mongolian/Alien ancestors.
  • Thick hair – especially the ones on the scalp. Speaking of which, our men can also pull off any hairstyle in the world. We mean who else but a Pakistan man, Shahzeb Khanzada in this case, could do a Johnny Bravo with such flair!
  • Tough bodied; in their demanding world of dharnas and phadas, they don’t have the luxury to be otherwise.
  • Next on the list of hawtness is the average height of Pakistani men standing at a non towering 5’5”, a quality that makes our men a hell lot more attractive then you’d think. Some women like to look down on men... HA! Where else but here. Plus non-Pakistani women are usually tall - at least the ones these sexy men want to travel with via Miss Travel.  She's 8+... He's 5-... It's hawtness at first profile pic.
  • Last but not the least, you put a shervani, sehra and a billowing shalwar on any other national and cry. It’s only our men who charm even in that state. (And the colorful naaraa? We mean who else could rock that?) And it's not just the eastern garb; our men can totally romance a tee as well – did you see Amir Liaquat in a Superman tee? The overwhelming sexiness that oozes out of his pores is pure kryptonite. [In other news - Superman's funeral will take place not on earth.]

This isn’t the first time Pakistan has been in the limelight. Before the world dubbed our men as sexy in 2015, it had voted them as 4th intelligent in the world in 2012. (That may or may not have been an April Fools’ joke, we are banking on ‘not’.) And before that, they were the best terrorist masterminds in the world. Put it all together and eureka!

Sexy men + Brains + Terrorist hub = Ultimate Bad Boys.

How sexy is that!

Imagine your perfect bad boy – he is dark and dangerous with features so strikingly beautiful, you don’t really care if he kills you. That’s why we all love vampires. And Pyaray Afzal.

Come now, admit it. Part of Afzal’s charm was that he was Pyaray. And the other part was that he was bad. Basically, the play should’ve been called Bad and the Beautiful and should’ve been dedicated to the political career of the man who played Afzal to the hilt – Hamza Ali Abbasi.

We don’t mean to imply that Hamza is Bhai (at least not ours), a gansgta like Afzal or a rapist like Azam or a Baba Bandook incarnate but his politics is just as dramatic as his, well, dramas. Not to mention, or to mention again really because we just did, he was named in the list. No, not the list released by Miss Travel but the one released by our local media to laud Miss Travel’s judgment.

Pakistani newspapers and bloggers couldn’t be happier. They very kindly thanked a lot of men for being responsible for this rare honor even though some of whom they mentioned weren’t even Pakistani (but whatever.) We quote:

“Clearly, Fawad Khan, Zayn Malik and Imran Khan have single-handedly saved Pakistan’s fairly-tarnished face.”

Miss Travel, as y’all must’ve noticed, is a dating site. It ranked the men on that site, not on a global scale. Hence, the question arises…what were Imran Khan and Fawad doing on this site? Or was it simply that the ranking had nothing to do with them but was purely based on the site’s own members? (Duh!)

Several articles went on to credit Shahid Khan Afridi, Ahsan Khan, Amir Khan…okay this purely would’ve been a Khan thing if not for Mikaal Zulfiqar and Ali Zafar squeezed in there somewhere. Er…squeezed name-wise, not…okay! And who in the world are Abbas Jafri and Sheheryar Siddiqui? Are we just gonna throw names in there for the sake of name-throwing?

To ease the excruciating pain our neighbors across LOC are feeling over this justice, they must know that all their hotties are over in Bollywood. Hence, not on said dating site. Maybe, get Ranvir there and…we’ll see…as in we really will because he’s such a chick mag...

That reminds us, where are our chicks?

As in where are our women on the list? Has Miss Travel never seen a Pakistani woman? Not meaning to take away the thunder from our men, but have they? Or have our women not seen Miss Travel because the men sure have. We suppose it was all for the better because had our women been there, they’d have outranked everyone else and invited unwanted attention from humans, djinns and aliens. Now, you know why our men prefer to cover their women in chador and chaar divari and place the stamp of honor on their foreheads.

Speaking of honor, it must be very honorable to be hailed by a dating site, right? What with all those sisters swooning over yo abs and such… According to the site, you have to be good looking to even apply or stand a chance.

Notice the number of times they used the word attractive or synonym? Besides, giving your hair/eye/skin color, age and body type is a must and of course, attaching a suggestive tag like Kiss-and-Fly, Plan B or Mr. Noodles is an extra. Just what sort of an extra that is, we’d rather let the site members decide.

Point is – Pakistani men ranked third on the sexy list here. Means they’re perhaps bad but not the kind of bad that Mullah Burka of the Lal Masjid fame would have the world believe, or the kind that OBL of the Boom-da-Boom & Co. would love for his minions. They’re bad for being hypocrites, chauvinists, sexists, misogynists, judgmental pricks, womanizers, patriarchal pains but certainly not terrorists. Not until they rank in top ten on some site operated by ISIS.