Some things are even worse than just ending up dead

"We are just friends”. “We just talk, it's nothing serious". These are a few of the most common phrases we come across in our young age. These are also a few of the biggest self-deceptions of this age.

When we take birth, we come bundled with a package of emotions and feelings to share, in different phases of life, with people coming in our life ahead. One set of so many of these emotions is reserved for a partner or soul mate.

Throughout my life, I thought of myself as someone who feels more about who is much intense about emotions. Normally, it is taken for granted that we know how we feel. We even believe we know how others are feeling. And yet, we accept that in any given moment it is often extremely complex, confusing, and difficult to communicate how deep you have gone for that special one.

Sitting alone in my room on couch, empty minded, looking blank walls, roof ceiling ... thinking how speedily time have blown away. It's been more than five years.

The moment I got the first glance of that person in the corridor of a school building still fresh as just had happened. I could not resist from keeping myself away from that person. It's just natural and there is nothing wrong with it.

With every passing moment I keep on sharing the bundle of emotions and feelings. I have such an attachment with that person, just presence of that person makes me so much happy that all my anger -truly the fake- vanishes in moments.

I couldn't be angry with that person what so ever the reasons might be. Feeling so complete so happy so contented while having that person. It was definitely not infatuation. It something really dear to heart, words can't express it anyway. No matter how casual or "just talking" attitude that person have, we feel the need to share some more. Talk some more. Let see each other some more. It's just a basic, rather primary, need of lives.

When that person is not near to me, I pray to Almighty to please bring me that person back. Hours passed in requesting and begging from the Creator.

But that one person was undoubtedly driving my emotions, if I'm happy it's due to that person, if I'm sad it also due to that person. My happiness, sorrows, love, care, affection, excitements, compassion every emotion that a human can have belongs to that one special person.

Time was passing and I started planning every single bit of my future life with that person. I was waiting for right moment to come in life and ask for the special bonding relation but ... all of a sudden, a day came in my life, when that person refused to accept me for the ultimate marital relation.

I got rejection for that beautiful relation about which I had thought of with my each breath. Never imagine of such a bitter happening that will scatter my soul into pieces. Today, l'm still standing in the school corridor waiting for that person but probably that person has moved on...

Reminds me few words of Umera Ahmed, the author of Peer-e-Kamil:

"What is next to ecstasy?"

"Pain" (Death's pain)

"What is next to pain?"

"Nothingness" (grave's silence)

"What is next to nothingness?"

"Hell"

I find myself in the state of "pain" waiting for "nothingness" to come my way soon. I can't share the bundle of emotions and feelings that Almighty granted me when He created my soul with anyone else. I can't care anyone else the way I did for that person ever again.

The situation in which I find myself was not part of the plan that I had envisioned for my life at this moment in time. Broken deep down inside, hopping from Almighty, things might change. My path may meet with that special one, down on the road of life.

What makes it wrong is that I didn't realise that I have a very limited supply for such emotions and feelings. I got deeper into feelings, learn much about the other person, and when - for some petty reason - we ended up in a breakup, a huge pile of our emotional energy and feelings went with it.

When we reach that part of our age when we have to get settle down with the special one, and I'm now referring to marriage. When that special one is no more there for you, we don't have those supreme excitements, feelings, emotions for accepting and cherishing any new person.

It feels weird to share with our new partner something - an idea, a thought, a wish from the depths of our heart - that we have already given access to someone else in the past. To share your innermost self, your secret visions, and your silly fears with someone is a priceless experience.

It's a sense of an ultimate completion and satisfaction. And it's a blessing if you actually get a chance of doing so. But once you have done it for a special person, it will never be that pleasant with anyone else other than that person. I'm not advocating here that you should never share yourself with anyone and keep yourself a loner. Sharing is awesome. But you don’t share it with every other person you happen to meet in your life.

It’s just that one special person with whom you share your inner most. Keep the world of pure emotions and soul sharing excitements reserved for special one. If you're lucky, and sincere, you'll surely get them.