Of all things big in Pakistan, wedding ceremonies have definitely taken the trophy. It has become the ultimate gala of festivities and dances and preparation. From the harrowed fathers paying bills to the idiotic tailors with their nonsensical excuses and the 'close' friends dancing away the night. Everyone is involved. Just like hunting season, we in Pakistan have a 'wedding season' and this particular season I noticed a lot of strange happenings, one of them is what I call, the Wedding Staples.
I am sure some of you must have noticed this too. Every wedding has a host of typical characters. I, however, did some further research (because I attended 6 weddings including my own in January alone) and classified these into the following categories.
1: The Starer
O yea! We have seen 'em, we have felt their gaze burning us with their laser-like pointedness. Let me introduce you to the Starer. This man or woman will stare at you hoping to combust or eat you? Either way its not pleasant. They do not stop even if you give them an angry look, they will momentarily look away but then go back to their original state. My advice is: politely ask them if you have horns on your head or are pink in color?
2: The Chichori Chanchal Kalli
This girl is always a treat. She will flit about aimlessly trying to look nonchalant all the while looking for some hunk to patao-fy. This girl will be part of all the festivities and will forget the dances because her attention will be on how good she is looking. She will always wear a tikka or some flashy makeup and of course, blue contact lenses. And because her sense of propriety prevails, she will not smile with her teeth and eat only quarter of a naan. My advice: bump into her and enjoy the 'ouch' it will incite.
3: The Bulldozer
Oh she is a trampler! She shall raze you to the ground if you cross her path during dinner time. She will push, shove, make a mountain of yummy botis on her plate and stand there and gorge it down. The coveted salad will never see the light of the day thanks to her presence. Beware! Sometimes The Bulldozer is a man too. They do not know the value of your designer suit, all they know is that roti khalo, aaj aakhri baar hi milni hai. My favorite technique for such massive hoarders is: ask them kindly to fill your plate with some choice pieces. They will do their duty honestly!
4: The Jhalli
These are my personal favorites! These women are lost souls who on all four days of the wedding will look crazed. Their jewelry will be skewed, the dupatta will be touching the floor and their tikkas will slide down to their nose. The best thing: THEY DON’T CARE A DAMN! I have yet to see a childless Jhalli so I think its the kids fault the mothers look deranged. If you have to greet them, do compliment them. They will produce a 0 watt smile. Priceless!
5: The Crazy Dancer
This type is always a male and they do not know how to dance. What they lack in technique, they make up in frenzied passion and ululations. They will dance till their teeth (and subsequent parts) are banging against each other. They will jump till the moon and bump into everyone as ungraceful as a headless chook. How do they stop? The lights go out or a kindly elder leads them away with an excuse like tumhari ammi bula rahi hain. kaam hai. But enjoy the gyrations while they last. Steer clear from their path though.
6: The Sarri Nand/ Bhabi
Don’t deny it, all of us have a Dementor (Harry Potter?)in the family who just sucks all the happiness from any occasion. These killjoys will sit right in front of the stage and look around with their beady eyes and dish out comments. They usually have a partner (a similar case from another khaandan) who they share their insights with. They will come on the stage just to let you know achi lag rahi ho lekin uss din ziada achi lag rahi thi. OR kahan se karaya makeup? Mariam's? Lag nai raha... Anyone? I smile and always say something equally nasty but please don’t, it will only worsen her killjoy abilities.
7: The Nasty Photographer
If you have not hired from Irfan Ahson or MYK, you get a joyless piece known as a photographer. They OWN the wedding. Everybody listens to them and that’s why they are unpleasant to the point of rudeness. But what to do, your FaceBook DP is in their hands, so you pose as they ask. The funniest comment I have ever received by these wonders is: mou teerha karien, ankhien nai... acha ankhien aisi hi hain. No they are not!
8: The Couple
They also deserve to be part of this article, its their wedding after all. What bliss, what happiness and what joy these two feel sitting on the stage... in DREAMS! In reality, it is boring and painful. The hairpins are stabbing your head at numerous points, your shoulders are sore thanks to the heavy dress, the Groom has to stand up every two minutes until it feels like a gym exercise.
And the JAWS, all that smiling breaks your jaws till you have muscle spasms. All you want to do is end this ordeal and when its over, you go like mujhe tou maza hi nai aya, itni tayari or pata hi nai laga...
I do wish every couple to be blessed with happiness and may the wedding season reign forever!