If there’s one thing we know, it’s what is in Our Culture. We base our entire lives on this perfect knowledge, and use it as our lens through which we judge the rest of us, a gaze guided by the most righteous and completely on-point cultural positioning. If our cultural gaze had powers, it would be a laser or a lightsabre, slicing off the arms of the awkward and astray with zinging, elegant efficiency. And the first chop would be delivered to that terrible holiday of the devil, Valentine’s Day.

Only cretins and the terribly misguided celebrate something as heinous and abjectly alien to Our Culture as Valentine’s Day. Who knows what possesses bookstores and roadside beggar/salesmen to stock up on roses, cards, fake Ferrero Rocher style heart-shaped chocolates and those evil-eyed teddy bears that clutch silken hearts? Who on earth buys all that tat, overpriced and fiendish on the eye and moral compass? The poors, probably, and all those beauty parlour girls whose minds are utterly turned by the fumes of nail polish remover and the Indian dramas they watch between blow-dries. It’s positively diabolical how some poor people just don’t know how to behave properly in Our Culture, because everyone knows Our Culture is based squarely on simplicity, modesty and humility. Nobody who is anybody would even dream of buying a rose for two hundred rupees, let alone giving it to the person they bought that ‘talk-all-night-free’ mobile phone package for. The only reason anyone would have to offer, let alone buy, one of those all-nighter phone deals is because you might have to call your cousin-brother in America, and with the time difference it will be night here so it’s free. Nobody talks to na-mehrams in Our Culture, or sends valentine cards to murderers like a certain M.Qadri.

Everyone stands in line in Our Culture. We all say ‘pehlay aap’ and hold the door open for the person behind us at a shop. We also all wear white shalwars and never, ever double park behind someone’s car, even if we only need to nip into Khussa Mahal for just two tiny seconds.

We never leave our child maids alone in the car at an amusement park and we most certainly never spend our money on wasteful and extravagant displays of show-offing, e.g. weddings and convertibles, because my goodness, in Our Culture we respect the True Way of Life, which is to Obey and Serve.

That’s why we need to work extra-special hard to protect the misguided amongst us, and make sure they know we are only trying to save them from what will otherwise be a direct ticket to Hellfire and Destruction. It’s so important that even the President of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan had to climb out of his cobwebbed, dusty crypt to address us all, such is the measure of his fatherly love for us! And that’s not love-love, you must remember. We don’t do Love in Our Culture, obviously. We only have Regard, Respect, Honour, Deference, Submissiveness and This is All My Mother’s Prayers. Love is only what those terrible angrez do in the western world, all that disgusting fahaash nonsense about saying ‘I love you’ to everyone, from your children to your parents to your spouse to your friends. Yuck. It’s enough to turn the stomach, all this flinging about of an emotion that doesn’t even exist. As if “love” would make everything magically better and turn us all into kinder, more compassionate people. Bah! Lies! Zionist Conspiracy!

It’s just as well, really. Love, even if it were a real thing, would have no business in our lives. It’s messy and would get in the way of our daily lives, where we abuse the environment, animals, children and each other with routine insouciance. Valentine’s Day is only something for rich people who have all the wrong ideas about everything anyway, from calling yourself a feminist and meddling with your nikahnama as if you had rights, to allowing your sons to become something useless like a musician. It’s all an airy fairy notion, utterly useless. Lives should be spent in hard work, with recreational violence to help pass the time, because in Our Culture sometimes you just have to slap your wife, shoot some kaafirs or lock your servant in the store for a few hours in the dark. It’s all really for their own good, one is being cruel to be kind. This is how it is, in Our Culture. It just doesn’t do, to succumb to such soft-in-the-head things like feelings, or empathy, or politeness. Those are just the kind of things that have brought laanat on the western heathens. None of that for us brave, upstanding citizens, who splash ourselves with icy water at dawn and march onwards, fighting the good fight, vanquishing the weak and weedy in our quest to preserve Our Most Excellent, all-Inclusive Culture! Onwards, to the patriotic duty we have been called to by our President! He never calls us to action when minorities are killed, or when schools get blown up, so this is indeed a most grave and serious task at hand!

Onwards, “because to love is frightening we prefer/the freedom of our crimes”!