The Art of Dying Foundation has helped thousands of young people unleash their true potential and achieve eternal bliss by blowing themselves up at key markets, mosques and military targets in Pakistan for more than a decade. In line with its goal of lasting and sustainable war, the organization is seeking applications for a number of vacant positions listed below. We are an equal opportunity organization and offer retirement benefits after death.

Projects and profile:

Supported by the largest volunteer network in Pakistan, The Art of Dying Foundation and its international affiliates have successfully carried out hundreds of projects in the following areas:

Disaster relief: The Art of Dying has a reputation of responding swiftly to disasters anywhere in the country and in the rest of the world, reaching out to the victims and rehabilitating them in paradise after recruiting them to carry out suicide attacks.

Women’s empowerment: Our focus is on nourishing women’s creativity, self-esteem and inner strength, making them agents of social change who can leave the confines of their homes and go out in the world to blow themselves up amongst innocent victims.

Education: The Art of Dying has developed links with thousands of madrassas throughout Pakistan, contributing to their literacy campaigns by funding hate literature, and providing vocational training in explosives and gunfight. It has also blown up a number of government schools in northwest Pakistan.

Prisoner rights: The Art of Dying aims to transform the lives of hundreds of prisoners who have become victims of an unfair criminal justice system, by reducing their stress, healing their trauma, and helping them handle their negative emotions, by helping them kill their Shia jailmates before breaking them out in spectacular operations. In some projects, female prison guards were also liberated and taken away.

Positions vacant:

Title: District Gender Outreach Officials

Positions: 20

Description: Involved in communications, outreach, monitoring and implementation, Gender Outreach Officials will work in teams. They will be assigned women’s colleges and universities, outside which they will threaten girls with acid bottles if they do not cover up.

Requirements: Bachelor’s degree in an all-male university, a sleazy face.

Title: Senior Narrative Engineer

Positions: 50

Description: This is a rigorous, embedded assignment in which undercover narrative engineers will accuse unsuspecting citizens, preferably belonging to minority faiths, of blasphemy or attacking Islam. They will be responsible for making emotionally charged speeches to incite protestors to burn motorcycles, rob banks and shops, and run away with free food from international fast food chains.

Requirements: Candidates with their own transport and their own television talk shows will be given preference

Title: Senior Interactions Assistant

Positions: 50

Description: Senior Interactions Analysts will ensure boys and girls do not interact in schools, during weddings, in parks and malls, and on Facebook. They may be required to pose as proctors in universities, PT masters in schools, elderly women during weddings, as policemen in Lahore, and as fake teenage girls with unorthodox morals on Facebook. This is a work-from-home position.

Requirements: Suppressed desires. Irritating candidates will be given preference

Title: Dynamic Televisual Branding Biologist

Positions: 3

Description: After experimental training with non-human samples, Dynamic Televisual Branding Biologists will be tasked from time to time to de-link the heads of various human samples, including competitors and former patrons, from their bodies and deliver suitable messages on camera as part of televisual branding campaigns. This is a trans-departmental position.

Requirements: Basic soccer skills, call center experience, production skills

Title: Key Punch Operator

Positions: 5

Description: Key Punch Operators perform preliminary security duties whose role is essential in situations of conflict, especially those involving hand-to-hand combat. They are required to punch the right opponents at the right time in order to render them unable to foil an Art of Dying attempt.

Requirements: Experience in bar fights and driving in Karachi.

Title: Future Optimization Agent

Positions: N/A

Description: Most of us have been taught the benefits of breathing deep and slow while counting from one to ten. Future Optimization Agents count from one to ten before breathing their last, leading to stress-free decision making and clarity of mind. Following a combination of wisdom coming from the sacred texts of the Yogis of the temples of Sri Lanka, and the organization responsible for the attack on Sri Lanka’s cricket team in Lahore, the officials will be trained in the Art of Dying. Future Optimization Agents will be given generous retirement benefits after they die.

Requirement: Applicants must be below 16 years of age.

The author has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer.

Tweets at:@cyborgasms