After studying the business model behind Superman’s employer Daily Planet for months, a team of researchers and independent journalists have concluded that the only way for print media to stay afloat in this economy is to run inside superhero films and comics. The reports have compelled a number of media corporations in Pakistan to launch their own superhero films. This scribe has compiled a list of them.

Development Dork:

Do you want to know what it feels like to be reduced to a statistic? Look no further. Armed with a foreign degree and a passion to end poverty, the Development Dork is coming soon to a community near you. With a camera hanging around his neck and the guilt of being rich weighing him down, he has an impeccable superpower: complete command over Microsoft Excel and a working knowledge of SPSS and Stata. Not afraid to take selfies with poor children, he works hard to get them out of cruel situations of child labor, so that they are free to go to madrassas and become the superheroes of tomorrow – the Taliban.

The Femban

With the strength of a feminist and the moral conviction of Taliban, this woman has courage to speak for every other woman in the world – from the hijab wearing Muslim girls living in Europe, to the characters in Jane Austen novels. With the superpower of an absolute moral theory of the world, she is out to fix gender inequality in the workplace in ways that do not involve the convoluted economics of wage disparity or the complex politics of what constitutes work, but real issues such as why your boss was staring at you and which girl is getting a higher wage because she is pretty. While we all love when she goes after chauvinist men, stay tuned to find out what happens to the women appearing in rap videos, tribeswomen of remote islands of Papua New Guinea, and every other sister who does not follow our moral code.

Motorcycle Man

Part man, part machine, this brave and fearless superhero will surprise you with his secret move with which he ends up right in front of your car. It’s double the thrill this holiday season, as the Motorcycle Man will be accompanied by his braver sidekick, the Motorcycle Wife. Sitting with immaculate poise with both her legs on one side, she is sure to scare the living daylights out of you.

Anchor with Rancor

He did not want to read at school. He did not want to write at work. Pushed to the wall, he strikes back and becomes a news anchor. Democracy is the best revenge. Armed with dangerous opinions and aided by his superhero sidekick the Camera Man, he will spy on you, he will invade your privacy, he will judge you, he will drop your call, and he will never let you finish what you are saying. And there’s no stopping him, because no matter how hard they try, he will never reveal his source.

Big Beard

Your faith and your morals will cease to be your personal matter this winter, as the Big Beard gears up to come to a theater near you, to blow it up and kill you for going to a theater, because it is not permissible. With a tummy that looks like a suicide vest and a suicide vest that looks like a tummy, there is no stopping him. Rest in peace.

Desperate Daughter

From bringing up her baby brothers, to doing her homework, to cooking and cleaning, she has a lot to do and very little time to do it – because she has to get married without her consent at the age of 16. Will her husband turn out to be a drug addict? Will he keep asking her father for money so he can set up a business or buy a motorcycle? Will her father keep paying to keep his daughter happy? Could he have spent that money to send her to college or something else that would make her happy? Stay tuned to find out.

Lahori Girl

Poor businessmen of the world who invested all their money in substandard restaurants will suffer no more, because the Lahori Girl is coming to their rescue. Flanked by other Lahori boys and girls and armed with a unique superpower – her appetite – she will go from restaurant to restaurant to make sure she brings an end to all the unhygienic food in the city. Yes, she will eat it all.

The author has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer.

harris@nyu.edu

@cyborgasms