In his book, entitled Three Cups of Tea, Greg Mortensen, an American who grew up in Tanzania where his parents were missionaries, describes the hospitality and friendliness of the people in Pakistan’s northern areas. He was taken in and treated as one of them when he had been injured and was depressed after his quest to reach the peaks of Himalaya Mountains failed. He coined the title of his book based on the short time it would take to be included like anybody else in the villages below the Skopje mountain villages. Everyone who visited would be taken in and given hospitality: The first time, the stranger would be a beloved visitor; the second time, he would no longer an acquaintance who had returned; and the third time, he would be a dear friend.
Mortensen became such a friend and he also repaid in kind for the help he had received when he was in need. He has over the years helped build more than 150 schools in this remote area of the world, using donations from well wishers in America, and the manual labour and other contributions of the villagers themselves.
But this was not meant to be an article only about Mortensen and his important work. Besides, sometimes it has been said, he beautifies reality a bit and paints stories with a broad brush. So what? I say: Nobody can take from him his intentions and efforts, or the great hospitality of the great people in an inhospitable area of Pakistan!
It should be added that Three Cups of Tea became a bestseller, because people like to read such stories. They like to read about great people, who are also very ordinary people, because all the people in the book could have been you and I, if we had taken the risk that Mortensen took, and also the risk the great people on the mountain slopes and in the valleys took in becoming his friends. They - and we - are all better for it!
People all over Pakistan are friendly and hospitable, and the many Pakistanis in my home country Norway, too, still carrying with them the old-fashioned politeness and friendliness that we Norwegians seem to have forgotten something of, because we have become so busy and individualistic. Even in the capital Islamabad, you cannot stroll on the road in front of a guard’s booth without being offered a cup of tea, or food if you pass by when he takes something himself, usually in the company of neighbouring guards or someone else. What a great culture and tradition!
But when does really a visitor, yes, a stranger, in the first place, become a friend? It usually takes a bit longer than three visits and three cups of tea - in Pakistan and in any other country, doesn’t it? True, normally it does, but it also depends on situations and challenges. Sometimes bonds and friendships can be established almost instantly.
During the main wedding season in Pakistan at the end of last year, I was invited to several wedding parties. Yes, usually included as a friend of the groom, or of either of the parents. I always find such occasions pleasant and they give even me as a foreigner a feeling of belonging and closeness. Yet, there can be many reasons for inviting foreigners to weddings, and sometimes it is just a polite courtesy, too, since Pakistanis often feel sorry for visitors living away from their own families.
It is different with burials and memorial ceremonies. I have also attended several such recently, and I have come to think that they are indications of foreigners having become closer friends of families and individuals, not necessarily the person who has passed on. I always feel a deep sense of inclusiveness when I attend gatherings after a person has died. It gives an opportunity to show that I am not only part of the local community on the sunny days, but also on the cloudy and rainy days.
The occasions give an opportunity to reflect on the many things that are common in all human beings’ lives - and that there is a time, too, when life on this earth ends. I believe that in a deeply religious developing country like Pakistan, death, also untimely and sudden, is more accepted than in the West. There is comfort in religion and the close-knit family and friendship structures that still exist in Pakistan. Yet, the loss of a relative, say a breadwinner in a poor family, would have devastating consequences for those left behind, including young children’s education, and the daily life and status of the widow. Sometimes, there are traditions, too, that we disagree with and had better change. And sometimes, newcomers and foreigners must leave the mourning and the practical solutions to the family members and permanent friends, who belong to the community. We must as foreigners and passers-by remember not to intrude since we often are quite superficial and temporary friends, fitting in better at weddings than funerals - and just for a few cups of tea.
Can not a foreigner and stranger become a real friend? I believe it is possible, but it is not common. It takes time, maybe one or two decades, and it is easier if the foreigner has married a local. But friendship is different, and professional or political friendship is different. That is what I have talked about in this article. That also includes trying to study and learn issues of importance to the local people. We must as foreigners and real friends, as time goes by, begin to feel compassion and try to understand things from within.
I have worked in Pakistan for a decade, albeit more than half of the time with Afghan refugees. I mainly began to learn about Pakistan when I started working on its issues, not just living in the country. Often, I worked on issues related to the social sciences and the development of inter-university linkages with my home country Norway. (Before I came to Pakistan, I spent many years in East Africa.)
As a true friend, if that is what I want to be, I must try to contribute to the host country’s development, now Pakistan’s development, yes, more than Norway’s. If there are fields where I believe Norway’s past and present history can provide lessons of value to Pakistan, I must try to find such and facilitate cooperation. It is not enough to point at fields of cooperation, but I should try to help find practical ways of implementing it, too.
Does this mean that friendship must be utilitarian? Yes, I believe that there must be benefits to both parties, and I believe that the stranger must bring something with him or her to repay your friendship, the way Greg Mortensen repaid his friends in Pakistan’s northern areas. There must be a form of balance in friendship, take and give. In East Africa, the exotic, nomadic Maasai people didn’t have “thank you” in their language originally. If they received something from you, it was their duty to show gratitude and repay you, so that balance and friendship could be established and live on. But then, alas, the Maasai, too, may have become modern by now, the way you and I are modern. Yet, also modern people can be friends. After all, friendship is the only real and equal relationship. Don’t you agree?
The writer is a senior Norwegian social scientist based in Islamabad. He has worked with research, diplomacy, development and humanitarian aid. He is the author of The Know Norway Book, just published in December 2011.
Email: atlehetland@yahoo.com