(the poetry quoted is by Kendra)
My lover, and my beloved, two different people. My heart was like my beloved, this dharti of mine. On December 16, countless winters ago, you broke it in two. And just like my lover, you kept up the lie to the last minute before you presented it to me in two. All the while, your drumbeats beguiled me, told me a story untrue. All the while, your claims told of a utopia untrue. You left no stone unturned to keep me in the dark, to use my passions to suit you. Till pictures of your lies burst on me like daggers, left me ashen and adrift.
“You broke my heart in two
and took me like a bet,
with all you put me through
I have so many regrets”
I was crushed but wiped my tears, promising to myself to stay true to you. What else could I do? You were like my first love, I could not get over you. The little fool that I was, a perfect one again to dupe. I thought you were made for me. But over time, I discovered that wasn’t true. It was I made for you, to do with as you pleased.
With such ease, you started your lies anew. Told me everything you did was for me, but now I know it was for you. Did you ever love me, just a little? Did you ever serve me, just a little? It so kills me to know, that it was never so. It was only I that loved you and served you. Even that would not hurt so much, if I didn’t know now that I didn’t simply serve you dear lover, but served your purpose of the strategic game, in blind, stupid love for my beloved, my heart, my country. Remember, there are two: my lover and my beloved.
Always excusing yourself, with a lie here or a lie there, you set me on wild goose chases. And all the while I didn’t know, my real tormenter was you. Look East you said, look West you said, ‘those are the culprits that bleed you’. ‘Look at yourself’, you said, ‘let me fix you’. Yet all the time, it was you.
“We always said forever
we would take it to the end
never give it up
but this time my heart couldn’t mend”
If it was not one mistress, it was another, as hide and seek you played. A favourite replaced by a new favourite, by a new favourite by a new favourite… new faces embodying the same twisted souls. Oh! But the deepest cut to me was dealt by your mistress that even you had just let go. The winter came again, and this time so fatal was her blow. She smashed my already bleeding heart into a hundred and two score. But how can I fault her? This is what she was meant to do. It was you who failed to protect me from this damaged soul.
“It cut so deep into me
I guess it hurt you too
but when you did it, then you lied
I had to say we’re through”
Tell me, did you hurt? Did you hurt from seeing your blow cut me down? Cut down into a hundred and two score? I dare not … I dare not hear you respond. Yet I want to believe – I do – that you have a heart. But even today, I cannot hear it beat, I cannot see it feel, I cannot perceive it to care. Even today, you hold up my murder at your hands as my sublime sacrifice: ‘you are so kind, so good, so .. so beautiful’. Isn’t it the prescribed altar the cruel lover chooses for his collateral?
“I gave you all I had
I tried to make it last
but now all we have
are memories from the past”
How sweet, and now how bitter they are….the memories. When time and again I put my faith in you. When time and again I thought you were turning. But now I know, after my death from a thousand blows, you are true only to yourself. You used me, abused me, flourished in use of me. If you had done it once, or twice, or thrice, I might have been fine. But you turned out to be insatiable. Do you know what I think? She has damaged you too, and you feed on your sickness.
“So look me in the eye
and tell me what you see
a girl so broken inside
who’s been through misery”
So you won’t look, of course. You cannot look me in the eye. You will make all the promises, tell all the little lies. But you won’t look me in the eye.
I am a forgiving soul. Come kiss me softly every night, and let me know you’re there, as you profess to be. Or stop with the lies. My lover, and my beloved, so mixed are these.
“Now here I go again
fallen so hard, so deep
but this time its different
this is one I want to keep”
December was the month I died. December is the month I die many times.