In an interview with Denialistan Times, Maulana Junaid Jamshed of Halal certifications fame tells our reporter that Allah loves his sponsored brand of chips and doesn’t really like women. He said, “As much as I would want to, but regretfully cannot deny women being Allah’s creation, but the Almighty puts them in the same category as shaitaan or the haram potato chips from all other brands.” He was referring to those brands whose owners never asked Maulana for a Halal endorsement. He added that if there was electricity “when it all started” and the roti maker was a reality, Allah might have dropped the idea of creating women folk. The Maulana stressed that women cannot make round rotis all the time while a roti-maker makes perfect round rotis without moaning or demanding equality.

Our reporter Shahida Aslam interviewed the esteemed Maulana at a TV studio where he was promoting Islam by distributing Chinese motorcycles to desperate countrymen. The Maulana during introductions asked our reporter for the name of her brother or husband which she couldn’t provide stating she doesn’t have a brother and is single. The Maulana said this is a hypothetical situation and every woman has at least one man to act as her identity. He later demanded the name of her chowkidar which she told is Pir Baksh. Maulana got furious and demanded the chowkidar be renamed as Allah Baksh and referred to her as Allah Baksh throughout the interview.

When Shahida questioned the Maulana regarding his misogynistic statements, he furiously rejected that allegation and said, “My mother is woman, how can you say I am misogynist?” He added, “I even have a daughter who is a woman, what else do you want me to do?” When the reporter asked him to explain his statements, he cited his expensive designer lawns stating that’s clear evidence he likes women as much as their money. “Women come to my shops all the time, did I ever ban them?” he said. Frustrated, he added “If there's one thing I hate it's being called a misogynist by a clearly inferior gender.”

Pakistan doesn’t have a Halal certification authority like those in the Western world but the Maulana has over time become an authority in his own right. He is known for endorsing products like potato chips and vaccines and independently verifying halalness of products and promoting them. When our reporter asked the Maulana about his modelling for various products, he said he is doing a service to Islam by promoting the very halal chips and charges absolutely nothing for these media campaigns. “All I got for the potato chips campaign was a lifetime supply of the potato snack in Ketchup flavour… and prayers of the Ummah who can now enjoy the crispy chips without fear.” He added, “Imagine! Even the women can eat those chips because of me, although they don’t really need to consider that they can fry a pakora or two for themselves too when they do this for their husbands.”

The Maulana, discussing the stature of women said, “All the rotis I eat are made by a woman, the kurta I am wearing was ironed by a woman this morning… how can you say I hate women? I even had her wash my car this morning!” He said he respects the woman in her life so much so that he encourages her to do voting on family affairs, respecting equality. Citing an example he said he recently had a voting on whether a woman should be chained to the oven or the washing machine; and outvoted her 1-1 as usual.

After clarifying his position on women, he said women have been created for a purpose. He said it has been scientifically proven that women have smaller feet than men and this is to allow them to stand closer to the sink and stove. From an evolutionary biology point of view, he added, women have a superior listening power which suggests their role always have been to listen and act. In the hunters and gatherers societies, women’s role throughout history has been to store and manage the food and feed others. We, the men, have only made life easier for them by giving them fridge, oven, stove and what not… what’s the point of moaning over inequality all the time when even Science proves otherwise and men have done so much for them. If we can invent a stove and oven, we can make robots too for cooking our Chicken Handi or do our laundry – what would these women do then?

Referring to Maulana’s statements in Nida Yasir’s show, Shahida asked him to explain why he considers women untrustworthy to which he responded saying, “You see the first woman in the world misguided the first man in the world… since then we just don’t trust you lot.” Shahida reminded Maulana of his statement in the same show that, “Men like being at home and women like going out all the time” to which he responded saying, “Have you read the news about the woman who went to the space recently? Isn’t that enough evidence you lot have it in you to run away? Yeah, that’s why we don’t trust you.”

Talking about the women’s line in his clothing and accessories business, he said he totally considers women’s money equal to that of a man and that’s why he has so much to offer women. When Shahida asked Maulana if he plans to launch accessories like watches etc for women, he said there is no need for that because there is a clock on the microwave these days.

Just before Shahida could finish the interview, she asked Maulana to stop calling her Allah Baksh but the Maulana refused to use her name. He said he can settle for Shahid though. As Shahida was leaving, Maulana handed his business card to her and requested if Denialistan TV can invite him to their shows where he can promote Islam by bashing women.

Note: This is a work of satire