Relief, Alas! Finally, Pakistan is going to be saved! All this time, the Snakes in Foreign Hand Clothing had us fooled that it was the likes of Taliban and other militants who were the enemies of Pakistan. Thanks be to media boyzez, we now know that militant type killers are just cuddly bears, because none of them have ever been convicted, and that it’s only Fake Liberal Fascist Extremist Anti-state Lying Liars who were misleading us about the cuddliness of so-called terrorists. Thanks be to Allah, we now have a #checklist by which we can easily identify the Fake Liberal Fascist Lying Liars, and are alerted to their anti-state nefarious activities: they can be found in #NGOs!

Boyzez showed evidences there are #NGOs, or Neo Galactic Octopuses, that have spread their lethal tentacles to break the state and sell little pieces to India, Israel, USA and The Master of the Land of Zion. These despicable NGO types are also known as Anti-State Spy Master Dollar Khor Yahoodi Agents. Now, the ISI must focus on this most amazing#checklist issued to identify and send these Agents back into outer space on Drones developed by The Pakistan Army.

First, ISI must look for #sleeveless. It is a seemingly innocuous appearance brought on by wearing shirts without sleeves. The secret lies in the hemming of that part of the shirt where the sleeve should have been. This hemming is sewn with Phospho-seaborgium-silicate which emits multi-terrain signals which can be picked up by underground, in the sea, in the air, and in space Receiving Towers. When the #sleeveless agents say the code-word ‘NOW’, these Receiving Towers will relay superluminal signals to the chips embedded in Obama and Singh’s brains by The Master of the Land of Zion to trigger Cookie Cutters from the Starboard Starship of the Zion to descend at supersonic speed on Pakistan, to cut it up in cute little shapes for them to devour.

To pre-empt this, the actual sleeves of the #sleeveless agents must first be found, which they have laid in a Hansel and Gretel style trail leading to their Middle Earth Plotting Bunker. Hark the Raven, await the Full Moon, and watch for the Midnight Hour. When all are aligned, it is the signal for the #sleeveless agents to meet in the Plotting Bunker, and they begin to follow the sleeve trail. When midnight strikes, their True Dracula Faces are revealed – just like Princess My Foot Cinderella was EXPOSED to be the shoecleaning-floorsweeping-vegetablecutting-stepsister-maidservant-indianjew-doubleagent-upstart that she actually was. The ISI must follow the Draculas at the appointed hour to find the sleeves and sow them back on these double-dealing-liberal-fascists’ shirts and save Pakistan. The act of sewing will melt the Plotting Bunker, the Receiving Towers, the Chips in Obama’s and Singh’s Brains AND the Starboard Starship of the Zion. That’ll show their #Paymaster, The Master of the Land of Zion! LULZZZZZZ.

Next, ISI must find #dancing. This is a most unnatural movement characterized by rhythmic motion of the head, neck, shoulders, arms and legs in the human species when music is turned on. To identify Anti-State Spy Master Dollar Khor Yahoodi Agents in the animal kingdom, however, the ISI must follow best practice protocols: crouch behind a green bush in camouflage outfit and wait for unsuspecting cats, dogs,butterflies, squirrels, and birds etc. to come by; then,suddenly play loud music, preferably a track of ‘Dil, Dil, Pakistan’; watch for any signs of tails wagging, sudden flight, or fluttering of butterfly wings. You will have identified the spymaster traitors! #Dancing is a trait of traitors. When music turns on, patriots will sit still. But traitors will begin emitting coded anti-state signals with their carefully planned maneuvers called #dancing.

Next on the #checklist is #drinking-alcohol. ISI must pay careful attention to this item on the #checklist.Consumption of alcohol induces a person to immediately become a Neo Galactic Octopus, bent upon spreading liberal-fascism of advocating fundamental freedoms to break up Pakistan and sell off the pieces. The way this happens is that the tannins in alcohol proceed to engineer gene mutation once inside the body, to transform it into a disguised cyborg with organic and metallic components. The only obvious sign may be the sleeves falling off, ready to be hemmed at the armholes. These cyborgs then run around spreading Fake Liberal Fascist Propaganda about militants killing innocents. Once again, the ISI is advised to proceed with extreme caution.A special cell of the ISI must be formed inside the Quetta and Murree breweries to drop an endless supply of purifying tablets in the vats and drums of the breweries to turn all beer, whisky and vodka into Rooh Afza to save Pakistan. ISI’s undercoverpurifying and rebottling plant at Karachi Port will also turn all future imported alcohol to Rooh Afza. That’ll teach the Liberal Fascist Anti-Pakistan Spy Master Sleeveless Dollar Khors when they’ll be drinking the patriotic beverage! LULLZZZZ.

Last but not least on the #checklist is #Indian-organisations. This needs no explanation: just look up India in Wikipedia – it means ENEMY. ISI must burn them all down instead of relying on vigilantes, who in turn rely on incitement to violence – which is simply inefficient.

Checklist Zindabad! Pakistan Zindabad! Pakistan ka Media Hafiz!

 The writer is a human rights worker and  freelance columnist.­

Tweets at:@gulbukhari