Early Sunday morning on February 14, I was unceremoniously jolted out of slumber by the National Anthem, blaring from the wife's new 'patrio-alarm clock' (ISO 9001 & Arnab Goswami Compliant).

'What's going on?' I inquired, while quickly scrambling out of bed-- still dazed-- not wanting to get lynched by my rabidly nationalistic two and a half year old, who was already standing at attention in her cot with one eye on the stop watch, as she closely monitored the time it took for me to get on my feet and show reverence to the 52 second orchestral.

'Wake up! We have to go!' the wife commanded. 'The Bombay Parsi Panchayat has called a community vote on the excommunication of Soraabb Kumana for his complicity in filming Coldplay's latest music video.'

'Soraabb was merely the line producer,' I said, in between yawns. 'Hardly a crime that merits expulsion.'

'Still. It makes him an accomplice in the gross stereotyping of Indian culture. We have also sent a copy of the song lyrics to Smriti Irani. She will check if there are any seditious innuendos in it', the wife said. 'The whole case hinges on Beyoncé's Henna tattoos. The community is bitterly divided on whether the design amounts to cultural appropriation.'

'Is there any issue the Parsis aren't bitterly divided on?' I mocked.

'We don't need to be lectured by a 'sickular' atheist such as yourself,' the wife said, borrowing the term from her Easy Reference Pocketbook for Bhakts (Standard Sanghi Edition). 'You are the only black sheep of our tribe in its 1100 year history, with your anti-establishment rhetoric.'

'That's not true,' I said. 'Firoze Gandhi was a radical too. He didn't see eye to eye with his infamous father-in-law on several issues.'

'And look where it got him', the wife retorted. He has been re-Christened 'Khan' already. Even the Congress party doesn't refute the charge anymore.'

'Nonsense', I said.  'Everybody knows he was born in Dr. Tehmulji's Parsi Lying-in Hospital at Fort. Keki Uncle in building no. 3 was his first cousin, twice removed.'

'It's not about what you know, it's what you can prove,' the wife said. 'The Vahini Sena has uploaded an elegantly photoshopped copy of his birth certificate on their Facebook page. It has already received 71539 'Likes'; which is 2430 more than the entire Parsi population mind you. Don't forget, Rajnath Singh has declared that social media posts are now considered clinching evidence in the Indian court of political discourse.'

'Before the month ends Firoze Jehangirji Ghandy will go down as 'Firoze Khan' in the secondary school history syllabus,' the wife continued. 'The education ministry is only waiting for Subramaniam Swamy's sagacious tweet of approval on the subject.'

'Swamy's Twitter handle seems to be the National Authority on everything, from Sunanda Pushkar to pseudoscience,' I said.

'Don't be silly!' the wife chided. 'Do you know that Swamy ji found the Vedic verse on gravitational waveform, which Dr. Mavalvala and other evil Western scientists then appropriated in their research?'

'One can practically get a PhD in theoretical physics just by following Sanghi Twitter handles these days,' I said, trying hard to look solemn.

'A lot better than going to Universities crawling with terrorist sympathizers,' the wife countered. 'They should all be booked one way, on Yogi Adityanath's daily Chartered Flight to Pakistan.'

'I don't support dimwits who celebrate murderers as martyrs, but if every misguided misfit, dissident, 'sickular', Leftist, 'AAPtard', liberal, socialist, Marxist, Dalit activist and Aamir Khan fan were to be packed off across the border, the only ones left in this country will be Raveena Tandon plus the participants who made it to Rashtrapati Bhavan at the fag-end of Anupam Kher's 'March for India' rally. Most undemocratic way of dealing with political dissent,' I said.

'You Adarsh Liberals are always using the charade of democracy and free speech to further your sinister agendas. Thank God for the patriots of Akhil Bharatiya Vidyarthi Parishad, who exposed these anti-nationals. ABVP students really deserve the DHA,' said the wife solemnly.

'What DHA?' I asked, stumped by this hitherto unknown acronym.

'The David Headley Award for whistle-blowers.'

'We are naming Awards after terrorists now?' I asked in utter disbelief.

'Ex-terrorist!' she interjected. 'After his sensational exposé on Ishrat Jahan, his past will be expunged from the history books too. If his application for citizenship goes through, I feel Anupam can be persuaded to endorse him for a Padma.'

'You Bhakts have lost your mind!' I shrieked.

'Hey!' the wife snapped. 'If Ujwal Nikam thinks a Padma is necessary to build a case against Pakistan, then so be it. Who are you to argue?'

'Now hurry up, will you?' the wife nagged. 'Its Valentine's Day. I have to be back in time to attend the Sanskaari vandalism and arson of our neighborhood Archies store. You better watch the toddler while I'm gone,' she added, pointing to the little bandit in the cot, who was carefully adding final touches to the ignition system of a Molotov Cocktail she had assembled, just for the occasion.