A prestigious banned organization is seeking desperate, driven and dogmatically-challenged individuals to staff its upcoming media and publication house. We seek to break with the spirit of big business and shady businessmen who use their ownership of print and electronic media outlets to provide cover to their other, less legal and more lucrative, sources of revenue. Through this new media giant, the aforementioned banned prestigious organization is all set to bring a revolution in Pakistan’s media industry and change the way the world views revolutionary political forces within the country, such as the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaaf.
In line with its anti-status quo ideology, the banned prestigious organization is looking to recruit reporters, cameramen, newsreaders and other professional terrorists to staff this state-of-the-art venture. The prestigious banned organization is offering employees salary packages far higher and more transcendental than the industry average. In addition to stock options in the Hereafter LLC, recruits will be allowed profit sharing in all kidnapping-for-ransom, extortion and drug-running operations (this side of the Durand Line) conducted by the banned prestigious organization. Staff who have to relocate to Mohmand Agency will be offered custom-made prefabricated housing built by UN-HABITAT and acquired by operatives of the prestigious banned organization, at great personal cost.
The unbelievable lifestyle offered to employees of the media and publication house will entirely transform the media industry. For professionals who are sick of desk jobs, the media and publication house will offer an exciting work location, with well ventilated, yet completely secure newscaves (drone and HAARP-proof), somewhere in the heart of the tribal areas. Air-conditioned prayer rooms with ablution and absolution facilities will be carved into cave walls. The medieval sanitation system will allow employees to experience the great outdoors. Life insurance will be paid to employees’ widows for reporters whose stories cause a sufficiently large ‘BANG!’
These news bunkers will be equipped with modern technology, such as Muslim Showers and Niswar-vending machines, for the comfort and ease of the employees. Male employees will be provided spa facilities, make-up rooms and a completely organic salad bar. Female employees will cater to all the needs of the male employees. However, there is limited growth potential for female employees. It is preferred that all candidates for janitorial and culinary staff be female. Being male is a huge bonus when applying for technical, operational or editorial positions and a prerequisite for promotion. All young employees are expected to rise through the ranks and bi-annual performance reviews will determine the nature and size of the appraisal received. All evaluations will be based on a duel-to-the-death. Terms of reference for these positions will be published posthumously.
The prestigious banned organization also wants to add some talent to its investigative team as well. Ideal candidates are expected to curse at editors, have spokespeople hang up on them in anger and threaten to resign at least once per day because Umar Media is clueless about the worldly and otherworldly comings and goings of senior prestigious banned organization members. Every month, special gonzo journalism projects will be conducted. Newscave staff will pull straws to decide who will play Hunter S Thompson as reporters seek to replicate his Fear and Loathing Trip, only with explosives instead of acid and alcohol. Rubbing shoulders with some of the most dangerous people in the world, such as Chaudhry Nisar, Bilawal Bhutto and Arsalan Chaudhry, will be an occupational hazard. If an employee is killed in the line of duty, they will be declared, simply, deceased. However, employees’ pet dogs are liable to be dubbed martyrs if they die in service of their masters.
For those unaware of the prestigious banned organization’s reputation, it’s arguably located in the worst state in the world, and not just because of the bad hygiene or draconian blasphemy laws. Pakistan has all kinds of corruption, violence and scumbaggery. Some 9/11 and most 26/11 terrorists trained here. Malala wrote her venomous blogs here. Our elections are colossal miscarriages of democracy. We have earthquakes, separatists, loadshedding, lice, diseased cotton crops and an entire town overrun by some Mamooli Qeeray Makoray (only one of those things is made up). And we have FATA and beaches, so bring the whole family.
Send questions, or a resume/cover letter/links to clips to Umar Media via Facebook, Twitter or Snapchat. If you already have your dream job, please pass this along to someone who you would like to see in the hereafter, preferably very soon.
The writer is a former journalist currently working in the development sector.