Sarwar Sukhera Defending Mr Zardari may appear a tough task to some, but it really is no tougher than defending any of our other political leaders. The recent pillow fight between the urban Shurfa (plural of Sharif) and the vaderas at the centre moved me to come out in defence of Mr Zardari. I had to take up this challenging task since his ministers come across as though they were born with a silver foot in their mouths. I may not sound convincing enough to counter the derogatory text messages and e-mails making their rounds featuring Mr Zardari as the butt of many jokes, but let me try anyway. The worst that can happen is that I may sound like a sycophant, not really a bad thing now that I think about it. After all, sycophancy is the accepted route to the Political Kitchen Cabinet. One can become head of a corporation, an ambassador, an adviser or even a senator via effective schmoozing without ever getting a single vote of approval from the public. Mr Zardari is a duly elected president and also co(?)-chairman of the largest political party in the country. He is a true democrat and listens to the people when they come out on the streets en bloc. Raees Asif Ali Zardari established a financial aid programme for some destitute families in the name of Bibi Shaheed. The generous gesture of giving a purse of one thousand rupees a month per family will unquestionably elevate those beneath the poverty line to the middle class. They are free to spend this small fortune anyway they like: build a new house, go on a European vacation, send their kids to elite schools or even buy Land Cruisers. It's their money and they can spend it anyway they like, no questions asked. A jail term adds distinction to politicians from emerging nations: Gandhi, Mandela and Aung Suu Kyi, to name a few. Asif Ali Zardari has done more jail time than the rest of our 'principled' leaders put together. Those who frown upon the calibre of his friends who have been assigned important jobs should realise that we do not have the likes of Faiz Ahmed Faiz in jails anymore to make friends with. What else? Well, he likes horses and plays polo Hmmm...oh yes, he attended Cadet College, Petaro. The word 'cadet' speaks of the school being associated with the military in some way. The military factor alone qualifies him to hold the highest office in the country, regardless. Frankly, I would much rather give the president advice on how to do what he has to do. That is a much easier job. Everyone of us who is published or appears on TV dispenses all kinds of unsolicited advice gleefully. Besides, I belong to the old guard, the idealistic morons, who have dropped from the scene like leaves in autumn. The present spring season is lush with the likes of Na(l)eks and Awans who are better qualified to do the job of defending him. These attorneys were so effective in arguing against the trumped-up charges in courts that Musharraf had no way out but to issue the NRO. All of us agree on the issue of reinstating Sherry Rehman. She was quite popular in journalistic circles and did a lot to promote the cosmetics industry. She was the crayon that added colour to the otherwise bland sketch that is Islamabad. I am afraid, the 'good cop' prime minister is becoming a little too popular, hence, endangering the solidarity of the Party. I suggest that his ability to build bridges between the adversaries ought to be employed at the UNO since nobody seems to like us there anymore. He will have everybody convinced of our self-created turmoil as entirely RAW's doing. Also, that the idea of the Governor's Rule in Punjab was instigated by a 'foreign hidden hand'. Jahangir Badar lost in the elections miserably. Therefore he is a Senator now, and that qualifies him for the post of the prime minister. The Abbasi couple deserves to hold charge of all the ministries. The new prime minister's eloquence and Naheed Khan's international recognition as a political visionary par excellence will catapult us to the top in the international community. Rehman Malik is a national asset wasted in getting containers and roadblocks placed here and there. We should save this treasure for a more meaningful purpose. Still better, lets send him to India as high commissioner if we really want to test the potency of our nuclear arsenal. Husain Haqqani is dearly missed by the journalists in these tough economic times, for the lafafas he used to hand out as an adviser to Mian Sahib, the then Chief Minister of Punjab . Mr Haqqani's creative genius conceived the lota culture that was first unveiled in Changa Manga way back. He should be brought back from the wilderness of Washington DC to add drama to the political scenario at home. His absence from the local stage makes the political circus look staid and insipid. The president should suggest to Holbrooke to renew the exchange programme we once had with the USA. We should be frank in telling him that the best solution lies in us exchanging the services of Governor Salman Taseer with President Obama. With Mr Taseer there, Americans will be too busy with sorting out their domestic politics to think of the Taliban. We will, in return, benefit from the charm and charisma of Barack Obama in overhauling the tarnished image that we have now. The president is right in asking the Sharif brothers to rejoin the Cabinet at the centre. The two of them really are miracle workers. If they can grow hair on bald heads then surely we will see fields of crops growing on the mountaintops of NWFP, in the barren lands of Balochistan and overstretches of desert in Sindh and Punjab. Imagine the money we can earn by becoming the breadbasket of the world. If you are not happy with any of the present political leaders then let's create an imaginary figure made up of the best of the best. We can have a truly fascinating leader by just keeping the gestures of Imran Khan, adding the physique of Maulana Fazlur Rahman, instilling the cultural values of Minister Zehri and lip-synching the utterances of Chaudhry Shujaat Hussain. If you wish to further enrich the persona, then let him wear the toupee of Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan. The man of our imagination will need a fair amount of money to get elected and subsequently amass a wealth of his own. However, looking at the present trend that has made Jamaat-e-Islami appear like a bunch of playful kids sitting in aetikaf (meditation), he may have to own the suicide bomb attacks happening anywhere in the world. I have one request to make to the president before I return for another session: please, sir, get Kashmala Tariq to join our party. That jewel of a lady is wasting away in the debris of the Q League. Once with us, she will look like a rose in the present bouquet of lilies. I am so glad you got rid of the cauliflower's of yesteryears. They rightly belong in the kitchens and not on the public platform. The writer is a freelance columnist E-mail: msukhera2000@yahoo.com