Pakistan is the most dangerous country in the world for journalists and international cricketers, according to several recent global studies, and the safest country in the world for the Taliban and the polio virus, according to others. Soon after talks between the government and the Taliban broke down earlier this month, a new wave of fear, shock and disbelief swept the country’s population over a gun attack on a famous journalist second in popularity only to this scribe, and the even more frightening leaked Interior Ministry document that said the ISI had warned of the looming threat that Ali Azmat might release a new song any time soon.

The explosive events sparked a new debate about how certain self-proclaimed spokesmen for the security establishment are propagating the notion that only a select few individuals have a right to define Pakistan’s national interest. This scribe agrees with this notion and is among those select few individuals. That is why I have received a number of threats from the enemies of Pakistan, such as my wife and boss.

It is under these extremely unsafe conditions that this scribe is forced to write this letter. If there is an attack on me that takes my life, I request that my browser history be deleted (it wasn’t me, it must be my colleague Junaid) and take action against the Accounts Department, from which this scribe faces serious threats.

And I am not talking about a specific accounts department. I am implicating the Accounts Department as an institution and as a brotherhood, permeating deep within every organization and every enterprise in this country.

In order to explain this phenomenon, it is pertinent to mention that this scribe has been given three pay raises in the last eight months by his organization, but has received no salary during this time period from the accounts department. When this was revealed for public good on Twitter, this scribe received serious and tangible threats from the department.

Upon receiving those messages, this scribe probed the matter in detail and found out that it might be possible that the higher administration of the organization might have a surveillance system in place, and the administration has been reading and listening to all the communication originating out of this office, in which case let me tell you that my boss is a great person and I am so very glad to be a part of this media organization. I do acknowledge that despite being a small organization, my publication has shown the courage to exploit their workers in a manner comparable only to very large media organizations.

The row between this scribe and the accounts department worsened after I revealed a scandal in which the head of the accounts department, who draws a salary of Rs 200,000 every week, on time, referred to himself in a Facebook status update as “upper middle class.” Sources privy to the department divulged that his perks include a car, health benefits, and keeping our unpaid salaries in a savings account to be able to earn profits on them.

If my concerns against my organization are unfounded and they are ready to back me in case I am attacked, I urge them to call for an inquiry against the Rickshaw Taxi Union of Lahore and repeatedly show the pictures of their secretary general Haji Abdullah for at least eight hours until they are compelled to stop.

The organization publicly expressed anger against this scribe and others for supporting a bill presented in the National Assembly that would allow the country’s traffic sergeants to slap rickshaw drivers for breaking traffic rules and hold them by the collar and rip their shirts off for more serious violations.

“Negotiating with rickshaw drivers is a sheer waste of time,” this scribe had told a Senate committee. “It has been tried several times in the past, and has always failed. Enforcing the writ of the state is the only solution to this problem.”

Office-bearers from the group visited this scribe recently to deliver a veiled threat, saying this scribe appeared on the top of the hit list of a man with whom I have had the good fortune of traveling in a bus. The accusations he is reportedly making are entirely false. There have been several scientific studies that reveal that there is nothing funny about a man missing a bus and then running behind it, and that violent clashes may ensue if the trend of laughing at them is not checked.

I might have made a mistake or two in this regard, but I am not a traitor. Pakistan Zindabad.

 The author has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer.

Email:harris@nyu.edu

Tweets at:@cyborgasms