The time has come once again for you to drown in a sea of despair about having wasted yet another year of your life. But before you make false promises to yourself on the new year eve that you know you can’t keep, read your horoscope for 2016.
Aries (March 20-April 18) – Early in January, you will begin to realize that this is going to be another miserable year. You are bad at what you do and nobody invites you to their parties. Therefore, it is unlikely that you will get rich or famous. People will continue to insult you on social media. Your romantic side will come out in July and you will meet a girl, but as the stars move around, you will realize in November that the Facebook profile you are in love with is fake.
Taurus (April 19-May 19) – This will be a rollercoaster year for you, but only that part of the ride when it is going down real fast. No matter how much money you make, other people will make more money than you. And the only new people you will meet regarding matters of the heart are doctors.
Gemini (May 20-June 20) – You should begin this year by sitting down and looking at the bigger picture. There are millions of planets in the universe, and the earth is just one of them. There are millions of species on earth, and humans are just one of them. There are millions of humans in the world, and you are just one of them. You are not important. Nobody gives a flying concern if you die lonely and poor.
Cancer (June 21-July 21) – Others see you as a confident, energetic and cooperative person who is happy and wants everyone else to be happy too. But deep inside, you’re a sorry, jealous loser who is happy to see his friends in unfortunate situations and loves to see them beg for help. But Karma has no deadline. It’s going to get you this year, hopefully.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22) – No matter how serious the problems in your career and romantic life are, our powerful magic amulet will turn your fate around. We are experts in countering black magic and healing hidden masculine and feminine diseases. Write to us now before it is too late.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – All the stars point to a need for a long holiday this year, but it is unlikely that you even have a decent job. It might still be a good idea to give your friends and family a break from yourself. I mean how long can someone tolerate you.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct 22) – Expect to be miserable between January and June this year. But don’t worry. You will also be miserable between July and December. Basically, you’re doomed and there’s no fixing that no matter how many horoscopes you read. You can’t find your fortune in a newspaper. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have left a career in journalism to become fortune teller.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You should start the new year by looking at the previous year and drawing lessons from it – nobody respects you at home, at work, and in your social circle. Come to terms with reality and do what you’re destined to do – give up!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 20) – You should meet new people this year, because the ones you already know are losers like you. The new people you meet will not know that you will make their lives miserable like you have made your own. By the time they realize that misery is contagious, the year would have ended.
Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 18) – The problem this year is not that you’re not making any money. You will definitely make money. The problem is that you will have to sacrifice your values and give up on your social life to make that money, and it will still not be enough for a human being to survive in a decent way.
Aquarius (Jan. 19-Feb. 17) – You have mastered the art of deception and manipulation, but that is not why you succeed in making people do what you want. The truth is that they feel sorry for you. This year is different. You will feel sorry for yourself.
Pisces (Feb. 18-March 19) – You’re going up a steep path carrying heavy emotional baggage. In 2016, expect to fall down very hard and splatter your emotional baggage all over the floor. Don’t worry about it too much though. You hadn’t climbed very high anyway. You’re just not capable of that.