Terror struck at the heart of Pakistan on the eve of the traditional Muslim Eid festival, as millions feared waking up early in the morning to go to the mosque and endure relentless and unforgiving hugs from millions of other people, many of who experts believe, lack basic hygiene and are shockingly unaware of fundamental concepts of personal space.

“Eid greetings are like a video game. The more people you hug, the faster new ones begin to arrive,” explains one survivor. “At one point, greetings also begin to arrive on your mobile phone. You hug people, exchange pleasantries and respond to messages as fast as you can, but you know deep down that a collapse is inevitable. You can only delay it for a finite period of time.”

“I couldn’t have a joyful Eid because I was too busy reading all those text messages telling me to have a joyful Eid,” one woman complained. Eid is a holiday of gratitude that follows the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. After fasting for an entire lunar month, millions of people around the globe are thankful that they don’t have to lie about fasting any longer.

But recently, statistics released by people’s mothers have shown that people are roughly three times as likely to whine and lose their tempers on Eid than on any other day of the year. Behavioral experts believe that this is because they have to wake up early. According to the report, experiments carried out by the mothers show irritability can be significantly reduced by a dose of food.

“Despite its pressures, Eid comes with ample moments of respite, and sometimes even joy,” according to an analyst who closely watches the holiday. “Think of that moment when someone’s inappropriate mobile phone ring tone goes off during prayers, or when you come out of the mosque to find out to your surprise that your expensive new shoes have not been stolen, or when that distant uncle with the annoying kids calls and tells you they will not be able to make it to your dinner.”

He said people generally liked visiting friends and relatives on Eid, because it gave the opportunity to avoid Eid programs on television. These feelings were echoed by a Taliban spokesman speaking to this scribe from an undisclosed location. “People generally see us as heartless, cruel assassins who want to hunt all the moderates down and kill them one by one,” he said. “Nothing can be further from the truth. We want the Muslims of Pakistan to unite. We want them to get together on Eid for large, warm, hearty dinners so that we can kill a large number of them together in one go.”

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One madrassa student was critical of the recent commercialization of the religious holiday, complaining how it had become all about shopping. “We should not waste evening after long, tiring evening in shopping malls buying overpriced shoes, when we should be at home or in mosques praying for forgiveness,” he said. “We should wait until the Eid day and then choose from the most carefully selected and thoughtfully curated assortment of shoes outside the mosque, and steal the pair we like best.”

While some of us might be critical of his approach, we all agree that Eid should not be all about ourselves. “We want to remind you this Eid that you should not forget the poor people around you on the blessed day,” a liberal charity organization said in a recent statement. “While you are riding your shiny cars in your fancy clothes, try and stop at a slum on your way for a moment, and share the joys of Eid with the poor children, by paying them to let you take selfies with them that you can put up on Facebook.”

While they may never know how annoying those Eid greetings are in which people tag you, along with hundreds of their other friends, a spokesman of the organization said, you will give them a voice by representing them on Facebook for a day. “There is no better Eid gift than that.”

 The author has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer.

harris@nyu.edu

@cyborgasms