Student: Greetings upon you, O pious teacher. And may the Lord always protect you as a guide amongst us, to guard against the growing evils of this modern age.
Mullah: Greetings upon you too, my child. I was told that you wanted to see me. Is everything alright?
Student: It is, and it is not. You see, it is about my wife. She refuses to live within the limitations prescribed by… you! I have tried to talk to her, but it has not worked. I tried explaining to her that these limits, as ordained by you, are for her own good. They exist to keep her… pious! That you are concerned about her salvation and afterlife. That you speak and translate the Divine word. But she just refuses to recognise and accept her place. Satan has taken roots in her heart; she wants to be more than a woman. She almost wants to be an equal, God forbid! My equal. I just do not know what to do. I just… *sob*
Mullah: Hush now, child. No need to waster you tears on her. Tell me… what has she done?
Student: Well, I am embarrassed to even recount it.
Mullah: Go on, child. Do not be scared.
Student: Sigh… okay. You see, she just completed her medical degree from that all-girls Medical College, and now she insists on practicing medicine. In a real hospital. Where there are female AND male patients!
Mullah: Hmm…
Student: I told her that this would entail her talking to non-Mehrams, maybe even administering medicines to them. And that you have forbidden all such interaction. But she insists. And today, when I tried to stop her from going to the hospital, by locking her inside the house, she screamed so loudly that her voices could be heard by passer-by people, even non-Mehram men!
Mullah: I see. Well child, thankfully our Council of Islamic Ideology has presented a workable solution to your problems.
Student: Have they? How?
Mullah: Oh! You did not hear. Our Master, the great Maulana Muhammad Khan Sherani, May Allah be pleased with him, has announced that there are definitive steps you can take to… well, ‘control’ her.
Student: Oh! Praise be to Allah! What did he say?
Mullah: Well, to begin with, he, on behalf of CII, has declared that men and women abide by their particular roles in our society, which clearly your wife wants to transgress. He has ordained that a man can beat his wife if she ‘interacts with strangers; speaks loud enough that she can easily be heard by strangers, or even if she provides monetary support to people without taking consent of her spouse’.
Student: I can beat her?
Mullah: Yes… Gently. You can. In fact, you are required to. By the religion of peace.
Student: So, if without asking me, she works, speaks loudly, or she gives money to a beggar or a needy, I can hit her?
Mullah: Yes. Who is she to make such a decision without your consent? Was she not created from marrow of a man’s rib? Besides, it is a slippery slope. You allow her to talk to or help a needy (man) today, and tomorrow that man will smile at her. And before you know it, she might smile back! Astghfirullah!!! How will you answer for allowing such sinfulness to take place, under your dominion, on that final day or judgment? And not just this. The CII has declared that husband can forbid his wife from visiting male relatives, and that female nurses may not treat male patients, nor are they allowed to assist male doctors.
Student: Exactly my point! What if some patient touches her inappropriately, just as he is having an embolism? Or worse yet, what if a patient decides to have cardiac arrest, just to be able to talk to her and other female nurses! I mean, where will these evils end?
Mullah: Child, worry not. Maulana Sherani has made the practice of religion simple for you. He has declared that a husband is allowed to beat his wife if she defies his commands and refuses to dress up as per his desires; turns down demand of intercourse without any religious excuse, or does not take a bath after intercourse.
Student: Really? This happens all the time! She never wears the ‘secret clothes’ I get for her. She says that she is too shy for all that. Too shy!?! Even as she is not too shy to talk to strangers who act sick in the hospital! Also, I keep telling her that just because I have not taken a shower this week is no excuse for her not to. But she does not listen.
Mullah: Well, then you should follow the five step process prescribed by the CII. First, express your annoyance with her. Second, if that does not work, sleep in the same bed with her, but do not face each other. Third, sleep in a separate bed. Fourth, if she still refuses to be tamed, sleep in a different room!
Student: Wait, what?! Is that a punishment for her, or for me?
Mullah: Just listen! And finally, if none of this works, you may beat her… gently.
Student: I like that! But, what is this ‘gently’?
Mullah: Thankfully, you do not have to guess. Maulana Sherani has given examples. Gently means hitting her with a handkerchief, a hat, or a turban.
Student: But I do not carry a handkerchief, nor do I wear a hat or a turban.
Mullah: Well, we will discuss another time all the evils that are attracted to you for not wearing a turban. But, for now, use something else that is soft.
Student: I have a NY Yankees cap! Can I hit her with that?
Mullah: I guess. So long as it is the cap that touches her body.
Student: Can I pack a punch within the cap? Or put a brick inside it. Only the cap will touch her body still.
Mullah: Hmm… Let me see. The books or tariqat are silent on this issue. There is no specific verse prohibiting putting a brink inside the NY Yankees cap. I guess you could. Just make sure you do not hit her soft body parts.
Student: Sigh… That might be a problem. Ever since our third child last month, she has gained much weight. She is soft all over. What should I do?
Mullah: I cannot help you with that. But Maulana Sherani says that you may hit her with something soft, so long as you do not scratch her skin, draw blood, or damage any of her bones.
Student: Aah… so I can use something soft, that does not leave any visible marks. Can I strangle her with a soft pillow over her face? It will leave no marks.
Mullah: Perhaps. But let me ask Maulana Sherani about this.
Student: Also, I fear that she might leave me if I do this.
Mullah: Don’t worry. Maulana Sherani has said that it is un-Islamic for women to leave abusive relationships.
Student: Praise be to Allah! That’s a relief. Separately, what is this I hear about some clerics disagreeing with the CII opinion?
Mullah: Oh, you mean the Tehreek-i-Nifaz-i-Jaffaria. Well, they are Shias! They believe in all kinds of un-Islamic things. Including equal rights for women! Never mind them… if you listen to what they have to say, if you so much as ponder over it even for a moment, you will risk being ostracized from the fold of Islam. Let them wait for their Imam in occultation! In the meantime, hurry home… and get on with the important task of taming your wife.
Student: Thank you, Master. Not just for saving my relationship. But for saving Islam.