The recent attack on a church in Peshawar has once again brought attention to an existential challenge facing Pakistan -- that there are some amongst us who are not Muslim. The country's ruling elite has failed to address this issue adequately, burying its head in the sand pretending that the problem does not exist. But the reality has come back to haunt us.  

After hesitation that his critics compared to early-morning snooze button addiction, Imran Khan woke up to the problem and proposed a solution. We must 'tolerate' the minorities, he told reporters, adding that they were free to propagate their un-Islamic way of life in his province. Analysts believe that the minority he was talking about were the Taliban.  

"Talking to the Taliban is like arguing with Rickshaw drivers," a PTI source in the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa government divulged to this scribe. "They are experts in urban warfare. They know where you live. Negotiation is your only option. The only possible outcome is that they will win. And they will constantly play the victim."

That is why most of Pakistan's political leaders are in favor of talks with the Taliban.

"We believe in democracy, and favor a smooth transfer of power from one civlian government to another," a Jamaat-e-Islami source said. "Therefore, we are doing our best to ensure a smooth transfer of power to the Taliban in our province."

"The Pakistani Taliban are Indian agents," alleged a property dealer who works as a part time security analyst in the evening. "We want peace with India. Therefore we must make peace with the Taliban," a PML-N source responded. He said trade with India was essential for the prosperity of the region, and any Indian funds to Pakistani groups will prove to be valuable foreign investment.

The ANP, which is amongst the biggest victims of the Taliban, also supports dialogue with the militants, while simultaneously expressing a Freudian fear. "They are animals," one source said. "We must conserve them and allow them to grow in their natural habitat, only permitting occasional hunting."

But amidst politicians advocating a policy of appeasement due to sympathy or fear, Imran Khan has been praised for his brave new suggestions that will render the Taliban dysfunctional, eventually leading to their total annihilation.

Firstly, he has proposed making them open an office in Islamabad. "That will be an excellent way to neutralize them," a social media expert told this scribe.

"Their output will reduce considerably because of frequent power outages, and rising fuel costs will burden their finances. Worker productivity will be halved because of access to pornography, games, and frequent distractions in the form of Facebook notifications. A large part of their time will be spent on harassing vulnerable working women. They will begin to constantly miss deadlines and fail to hit their targets."

According to a key geostrategist from Tehrik-e-Insaf, the Taliban may be compelled to go entirely virtual, focusing their energies on creating their own Islamic Emirate of Smurfs Village. "That will be very close to what the Taliban do offline," the expert said. "A bearded leader will make gullible young people fight against a man whose hair style has a remarkable similarity with that of the prime minister of Pakistan. There will be almost no women in public life, and everyone will be feeling blue."

An American diplomatic source supported the idea without being diplomatic. "At around level 15 when some Grouchy Smurf will emerge, the exclamation mark pointing to his head will help us target him in a drone strike."

Referring to infighting between various Taliban groups, sources privy to the developments told this scribe that last month's suicide attack on a Taliban office in Hangu was the result of a disagreement that emerged over a game of Counter Strike.

The other strategic move that Imran Khan is overseeing is to allow the Taliban to continue to carry out terrorist attacks as, when and where they want. "They are likely to over-indulge, and soon run out weapons, explosives and resources," the geostrategist said.

"A hundred pounds of C4 explosive cost $2000," she said. "That is 10 times the amount of salary paid to main actors of Zinda Bhaag." Spending money at this rate, terrorist attacks will become a huge burden on their finances, their deficit will begin to increase, taking them to the verge of default.

"They will have no option but to go to the IMF for a bailout," she said, "thus beginning a process that will result in their slow, painful, tragic death."

The author has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer.