Of late, the Indian rhetoric on Kashmir has turned into a flop comedy show; the directors, Modi and Doval have now established themselves as failed comedians looking for a job, after the poor performance on their production, ‘Attoot Ang Kashmir’.

Whether it is the false flag operations of Dinanagar, Pathankot or Uri or blaming Pakistan for every incident in India, there is a consistency in poor production and bad humour; South Asia and the rest of the world is getting sick with these shenanigans.

Post Uri, there has been an extensive and consistent display of an aggressive stance and posturing by the Indian side. The Doval-Modi Circus could lead South Asia to its nemesis, the nuclear holocaust. Let us move to the planning room of the south block to see how things unfold:

Modi meeds Doval in the Planning Room of the South Block:

Modi: Our Uri play seems to be backfiring, Pakistanis are getting the joke, I mean they are calling it a false flag, what next, Doval?

Doval: Our doctrine is in place. We are considering stepping up on the escalation ladder.

Modi: Which ladder, the one used for plucking coconuts?

Doval: We briefed you last time; it is the Cold Start thing against Pakistan.

Modi: I see, go ahead.

Doval: The Indian Air Force (IAF) will launch surgical strikes in Pakistani Kashmir and maybe Muridke, remaining on this side of the border.

Modi: How many aircrafts? And do we have the missiles to hit Muridke from Pathankot?

Doval: We can drop Muridke, maybe use a token four to five aircrafts against Pakistani Kashmir only.

Modi: What would PAF do?

Doval: They may strike back across at Jammu and Madhupur.

Modi: So PAF goes for a general war!

Doval: Kind of, we can then go for Cold Start and Parakaram 2.

Modi: That is not Cold Start, the last time Sena Patti said that we needed to mobilise all of India’s Defence Forces including the Navy and the Army; have they been told?

Doval: Kind of; the Navy can be ordered to start deploying?

Modi: And how much time will the Navy need to deploy? I think the fastest ship would take two weeks. At least that’s what the Naval Chief said last time!

Doval: Sure, we will do that.

Modi: Doval, did you pass your Intermediate in Science, I mean, you need to brush up on your mathematics

Doval: I attended a week-long mathematics class in Dial Singh College, when I was pretending to be 007 in Lahore.

Modi: This Cold Start thing seems very complicated, who designed it? I discussed it with my gardener; even he says that war cannot be cold, although the name is very vegetarian. You can have a ‘thanda aloo bokhara’ or a ‘thanda Dossa’, but war. I always wondered; we need to at least change the name of this damn doctrine.

Doval: We should trust our military commanders.

Modi: Ok, we go for Cold Start; what about Pakistani bombs?

Doval: We will ask Uncle Sam to do something about that and restrain Pakistani the Pradhaan Mantri to not issue a nuclear response.

Modi: Very funny, we enter into a hot war through Cold Start with Pakistan and then request Obama to do the needful on the most important threat to the India. Don’t you think this Cold Start is a kind of Sazish against our Hindutva agenda?

Doval: Kind of, sir.

Modi: Doval, has any one calculated the cost of a nuclear war between India and Pakistan?

Doval: Sure sir, the late President AJP Kalam once said that it could obliterate all of South Asia.

Modi: You mean all of South Asia including India. Doval, how do you wage nuclear war, isn’t it a zero sum game?

Doval: Sort of, but we have contingencies to declare it a victory over Zee and NDTV and we could even produce a blockbluster through Bollywood.

Modi: You mean after the nuclear holocaust? Who will produce it and who will watch it, you said it will obliterate all of South Asia, is Bollywood bombproof?

Doval: No, Bollywood is yet to become bombproof; for the time being we are still working on that.

Modi: But some of our military commanders are saying that the time for Cold Start has already passed as the Pakistani Sena has already placed their response on ground and are ready. And by the way, how many Indian soldiers remain on leave on an average day?

Doval: Approximately 40 percent.

Modi: How do you do Cold Start with 60 percent of the army? I mean, who drives the tanks, and who mans the aircrafts?

Doval: We have to call them from leave.

Modi: By WhatsApp or email?

Doval: It is through a secure system of letters, because some of them may say that they have not received the email or WhatsApp message – social media is tricky.

Modi: How much time does it take to send letters and get soldiers on to the battlefield?

Doval: Maybe two weeks, I will check with Sena Patti.

Modi: I think the first thing you should do is to take another week of mathematics class and change the name of this blasted thing you call Cold Start. It is exceedingly vegetarian. Where is the meat in this doctrine?

Doval: Sir, we have banned beef all across India, so the meat is always deficient in all our plans and strategies, we use chicken for non-veg deliberations.

Modi: So what next?

Doval: Our discussion has given us three new strategic thrust lines: use Bollywood for the next blockbuster as suggested by Shri Brahamdagh Bugti, isolate Pakistan and rename Cold Start Doctrine.

Modi: Great; Let’s call all military commanders and conduct a war-game to rename Cold Start, come up with a non-veg name; that is my policy direction. Jay Maha-Bharat! Oh and I forgot, tell Arnab Goswami to launch Cold Start on TV. Let’s scare the hell out of Pakistanis.