As Pakistan mourns the death of Hakimullah Mehsud, a review of the year 2013 shows we have several potential leaders who can replace him. Following detailed background interviews and surveys, this scribe has compiled a list of the most iconic leaders of the year.  

The most influential politician:

Analysts were surprised this year with the unexpected rise of a new political player in Pakistan, who bedazzled the entire country with both looks and conviction, and won the dedicated support of the sections of the society that had once been skeptical, but are now defending their champion on all kinds of forums with a passion that borders on violence. This year’s most influential politician was Hurrem Sultan.

“Love her or hate her, she is the most influential political player of the country, with a remarkable impact on the Pakistani society,” a strategic analyst said. “Hurrem Sultan has singlehandedly managed to bring families together every evening, participate in deep political, social and philosophical debates, and encouraged people to explore history.  No other leader – progressive or conservative – has been able to achieve so much in the country’s history.”

A number of religious leaders of the country have accused the Turkish television series featuring the character of promoting obscenity. Analysts see that as a key indicator that it is doing something right. A cleric was not available for comment despite being contacted a number of times between 9pm and 10pm, and then again at 11pm to 12am.

The most significant contribution towards the war on terror:

Performing better than his key contender Imran Khan who was supporting the other side, defense analysts agree that People’s Party legislator Zamurad Khan made the most significant contribution towards the war on terror this year.

“His key impact is not in proving that despite the risks even a less than perfect operation against terrorists can resolve the problem more quickly and completely than prolonged negotiations,” an expert said while repeatedly playing video footage of his encounter with a gun toting extremist. “His real contribution from the point of unarmed victims of violence is how he ran away when he was fired at. That is the most effective way of giving an important message to the people of this country. When under attack, run away.”

His critics disagree however that if you arch your back while running, it would increase the distance a bullet fired from close range would have to travel – at least not significantly enough to lessen the impact.

The most widely read author:

Despite the controversy surrounding his writings and the sexual and violent nature of the content, network analysis and other quantitative data reveal that the most widely read writer of 2013 was a boy who wrote abusive comments on newspaper articles, blogs and several unrelated web pages before and after the 2013 general elections.

The PTI supporter “sincerely believed that he will bring a peaceful revolution by making inappropriate references to the private parts of female relatives of writers and politicians who appear to oppose Imran Khan”, a close relative told this scribe.

Analysts say his success lies in the fact that he wrote the comments indiscriminately, without reading the articles, often treating his supporters and rivals in the same manner. “He seems to be exploring this new emancipatory power that the anonymity on the internet gives him – the fact that his opinion will count no matter what his social background is, if he has the ability to creatively use filthy language with perseverance,” a social media expert said.

In an exclusive comment to this scribe, the boy said he was now exploring hurting America by ripping off the shirts of drivers of Afghanistan bound trucks. A day before the interview, he was injured in a peaceful protest in Karachi, when a PPP worker hit him with the same shovel that he had brought to a peaceful protest to tear down the walls of Bilawal Bhutto’s house. “This is against the teachings of Nelson Mandela,” he said.

The author has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer.

Email:harris@nyu.edu

Tweets at:@cyborgasms