A supermoon and a lunar eclipse coincided in a rare celestial phenomenon on Sunday. Here is how the bigger, redder moon will affect your life.

Aries (March 20-April 18): You will hear from old acquaintances this week. It is not that they love you or you are missed. It is because a bigger, redder moon will remind a lot of people of your ugly face. You will have to pretend that you are loved, because this is the closest you will have to a social life.

Taurus (April 19-May 19): Think of all the good things that have happened in your life and hold those happy memories close to your heart, because that’s all you’ll ever have. There is no hope for you in future. Your life has no meaning. You are responsible for the consequences of every decision that you make, and there is no right decision. You will suffer continuously and without respite.
Gemini (May 20-June 20): Everyone is talking about you, if you happen to be an army chief of a third-world Islamic republic in South Asia. Use your charm and initiative to do things no one has done before, but when the time comes to take the back seat, retire gracefully and let nature decide the course of the future.

Cancer (June 21-July 21): The moon was 14 percent bigger on Sunday, but no matter how big it gets, people like you will never be able to walk on it one day. So stop dreaming and wake up to the real world. We’re not even sure American astronauts walked on the moon. I highly recommend Bill Kaysing’s 1974 book ‘We Never Went to the Moon: America’s Thirty Billion Dollar Swindle’. I know he knew nothing about science and space, but then, this scribe doesn’t know anything about astrology either.

Leo (July 22-Aug. 22): The supermoon eclipse is an eye-opening sign that you need to get off your back side and do something with your life. But I have a feeling that you will ignore it, like you ignore all the other eye-opening signs that you see every other day.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The fact that there was a supermoon on a day when the government had already promised there will be no power outages is ironic. But not as ironic as you reading a horoscope thinking your life will get better when you have ruined it already.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct 22): The growing size of the moon will remind you of your own increasing weight. A housewife in Florida has found the ultimate secret to losing weight in three days. It is cheap, has no side effects, and is completely organic. Sign up for her free mailing list for a free e-book about her amazing discovery.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): This week, it is time for you to search for your inner strength, and find out that you have none. Under your strong and confident outwardly appearance is fear, agony and misery.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 20): If you are a Pope, you will get to visit New York. You may not be able to see the ball drop in Times Square because its not that time of the year, but you haven’t been to the Big Apple if you haven’t eaten from Shake Shack. If you’re not a pope, you’re most likely not going to get to see New York this week.

Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan. 18): Some astrologers may say this is a good time to be a Capircorn if you happen to be the prime minister of Pakistan, but this scribe disagrees. Remember, while you were meeting the World Bank president, the Virgo prime minister of India was meeting technology entrepreneurs in the Silicon Valley. That is the difference. Between Capricorn and Virgo, I mean.

Aquarius (Jan. 19-Feb. 17): If all those websites offering real estate on the moon are actually genuine, you have a chance of getting rich this year. Otherwise, the only way a dimwit like you can make money is by setting up a website to sell real estate on the moon.

Pisces (Feb. 18-March 19): The moon is in your house this week. But you are not home. Did you lock the bedroom?

Note: Those who did not see the lunar eclipse on Sunday will have to blame their sorry life full of pathetic problems on something else.