Good morning and welcome to the bulletin. Our top story this hour: The Election Commission of Pakistan (ECP) has banned voting on election day.
In a statement issued a few days ago, the Chief Election Commissioner (CEC) announced that in view of the prevailing security situation in Balochistan, FATA, parts of KPK and Punjab as well Karachi, the exercise of the right to franchise has been banned in these ‘sensitive areas’ and section 144 has been imposed inside all polling stations. According to the statement, “In order to ensure a continuity of the democratic process in the country, the Chief Election Commissioner is pleased to announce that the ECP has spared the voter of the cumbersome task of deciding who to vote for on election day.”
“Through anecdotal evidence collected by the honourable CEC’s most honourable spouse in her native village, it has come to light that the right to vote is more a bane than a boon; far too heavy a burden for a single man or woman to bear alone. Being able to vote for a particular political party is a power too great to simply leave into the hands of unqualified civilians. This also leaves them open to exploitation through bribery and often land precious votes in the coffers of bloated politicians simply because of relations through blood or marriage. These so-called politicians then proceed to misuse their financial resources to influence voters, whose precious ballots end up furthering the hegemony of repressive feudal systems.”
“Oftentimes, the individual cannot understand which candidate is most suited to their ideological needs and lacks the analytical ability to ascertain on their own which candidate will cater to their needs best. Such people end up voting in the wrong man simply because they are swayed by campaign rhetoric and lofty promises. Such individuals are also responsible for the breakdown of law and order 90 or so days after the elections, when they become disillusioned by the “empty” promises and then damage public property and hold precious NATO cargo hostage as they protest against the very party that they voted into power.”
“In this age of free media, the ECP feels that the common man is far too influenced by the opinions and ideas of subversive journalists, who have not the fear of God or ISPR in their hearts. This makes their unbridled expression a threat to national security. However, the common man is not a good judge of what is in the national interest and what is contrary to it. Therefore, the influence of talk show hosts and biased media owners is a malfeasance and a pollution of the purity of democracy.”
“It is therefore not feasible, in the opinion of the CEC, for the common man to properly use their right to franchise in a way that conforms with the true essence of democracy. Acting in the supreme interest of the nation, the ECP is instituting a system of mandatory battle royal or Mortal Kombat –a duel to the death – to decide the leader-elect from each constituency. This interpretation of the election process comes from the Greek tradition. The Greeks were the creators of democracy and this Hellenic influence on the nascent democracy in Pakistan will be a welcome breath of fresh air for a populous burdened under multifarious issues of varying complexity.”
“With the abolition of voting, the national exchequer will remain fuller, longer. Superfluous expenses such as the printing of ballot paper, fabrication of special tamper-proof ballot boxes and the import of toxic ink for use on hapless thumbs shall be spared. The threats posed by separatists, militants, terrorists, opportunists and botanists will be rendered harmless and there will be no need to deploy military and civilian law enforcement personnel to handle a spiraling security situation. Election-motivated violence, therefore, will come to an all-time low.”
When we come back, we’ll have analysis from some leading armchair pundits and an international democratic consultant. Also, our special ‘beyond-the-grave’ segment today invites the ghost of Aristotle through séance to pontificate on the finer points of democracy-through-selection”.
In other news: The Taliban have claimed responsibility for the selection of Gen Raheel Sharif as the new COAS; and milk outflows recorded in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa rivers are at an all time high. More on these stories after these messages from our sponsors. Stay with us.

The writer is a former journalist currently working in the development sector.

tueets at:@mightyobvious_