17 signs you're an apologist for murder

There are two kinds of people – one who go out and kill others in the name of religion falsely believing that they will get hooris in heaven as a reward. And then there are those who don’t physically do the killing themselves but rather sit on the side clapping and cheering. They are called apologists and not much better than the terrorists themselves.

Keeping that in mind, what makes one such an apologist?

Here is a list of 17 points, if you say YES to at least 2 of them, you know you are an apologist for murder.

1. You are a supporter/fan/lover/stalker/over-attached-tharki of Mumtaz Qadri, Osama bin Laden and even Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in secret.

2. Your idea of a picnic is to go out and break things, burn tires, beat random people up, destroy public property. (Always a FUN Day!) Sometimes do inappropriate things to a stray washing machine on the street.

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3. When you think radical jihadists look noorani.

4. You hate Valentine’s Day and will drag anyone who celebrates it on the street calling him/her a shameless behuda person who apes the west.. BUT will send lovey dovey red fluffy cards and teddy bears to Qadri in jail. You will also shower him with rose petals…. Because you know… it’s different when you LOWE a murderer…

5. You think a brave man is the one who shoots an unarmed unsuspecting man 30 times. Ooh yes! A man who speaks up to help a poor woman is a blasphemer and not brave at all.

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Murder + guns = bravery.

6. You think within groups of people, and never for yourself. Uh uh..don’t do that. It’s not allowed in the Murders ‘R Us Groupie/Support Group.

7. You hate Malala Yousafzai and Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy for making Pakistan look bad but actually love the people who in reality physically make Pakistan look bad in front of others. You also ignore the times when they highlighted the good because you get hit by temporary blindness and deafness when that happens.

8. You claim you are a peaceful person but you say it is okay to hit a woman as long she does not get divorced because what woman would not want to stay with an abusive assaulting husband… forever. And oh… honor killing FTW!

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9. Every argument of yours ends with you talking about the person’s mother, sister or daughter… or grandmother if you are into that sort of thing. (Now you know why I wrote tharki.)

10. “Women will now marry porn stars” is a perfectly acceptable response in a conversation about Pakistan’s Women’s Protection Bill.

11. You will project your personal fantasies by saying No No NO NOOOO to the Women's Protection Bill by saying “Pakistan will turn into a free sex zone.” This is accompanied with a lot of drool.

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12. When you go to an Islamist terrorist's funeral and take selfies making sure you get the green turban in the pic.

13. Instead of singing “let’s make some noise with the desi boys” you sing, “let’s make some noise with the Madini boyzzz.”

14. You complain and whine and binge and whine some more about the other murderers who got away due to a faulty legal system…. because you wanted your favourite murderer to get away with murder too. I mean obviously since they got away… so should yours. It’s only fair.

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15. You will keep your trap… I mean mouth shut about every atrocity out there... child marriages, rape, acid throwing, honor killing, sectarian violence, discrimination towards minorities, etc etc… BUT will scream your lungs and pancreas sore if anyone says even a Chuuuu regarding religion… Because it is your only job in the world to save your religion. Nothing else matters… bas sab chup rahein.