Hillary Clinton has released thousands of emails that she sent and received as the US secretary of state after apologising for her controversial decision to use her personal email server for sending out official emails. She said she could not handle two accounts at once. Hillary is so technologically challenged that she chose the word ‘incorrect’ as her password, so that every time she would forget it and type in the wrong password, the computer would remind her that ‘your password is incorrect’.

Here are some of her email conversations with Pakistan.

Subject: How to be president

Dear President Mamnoon Hussain,

Sorry I haven’t been in touch recently. Hope you are doing good? So what’s new? Hey listen, so I was wondering if you could help me with something… do you know how I can become president?

I promise I won’t bother anyone and mind my own business. Just like you. I won’t speak much and keep a low profile.

Please please please could you tell me how you did it?

I will be really grateful for any help in this regard.

-H

Subject: Saving private Raymond

Dear Pakistan,

Thank you for your email about the private CIA contractor Raymond Davis. Sorry I couldn’t respond sooner because I just discovered that it had gone to my spam folder. Thought I’d reply right away.

I don’t know if you know this or not, but most normal human beings read their emails just after they have hit the send button, just to see how they will look like to the recipient. It is clear that you do not do that, or you would know why I am angry.

But yeah, no problem. Can you promise me that from now on, anyone who kills innocent people in your country will be tried in an anti-terrorism court? If you can make that commitment, we’re good from here on.

Keep calm and love the minions

-H

Subject: Down the drone

Dear Hillary,

We are very upset to find out that you have killed our key enemy in the war on terror in a drone strike this morning. This is not fair. If you will keep killing all our enemies like this, there will be no one left for us to fight with. How will we fight the war on terror then?

And yes, we have told you several times that we want to negotiate with the terrorists because there are fundamental ideological problems we are dealing with that need to get resolved. Now that you have killed the top Taliban leader, how will we discuss and resolve the problems with our national narrative? In the parliament? lol

On a separate note, we advise that it is not a good idea to use your personal email server for sending and receiving official emails about such sensitive topics. Even a third world country like us would not make such a rookie mistake. Because of security and privacy concerns, we always use Gmail.

Think about it.

-Pakistan

Subject: Knock knock

Hey guys,

Sorry we did intend to let you know that we were coming in to get Osama bin Laden, we really did, but I forgot to attach the file. I’m really sorry about that. Hope it wasn’t too much of a hassle?

You know how its only 2011 and Gmail is still working on that ‘unsend’ button they promised me, so basically we couldn’t have aborted the mission. I expect you to understand.

But guys, just because I am using my personal email server doesn’t mean I will send you links to all those inappropriate videos he was reportedly looking at on his computer. Sorry.

Anyway, thank you for your concern regarding the safety of my emails. You don’t have to worry about it. But mind your own business.

Unlike you guys, my password is not just ‘password’. I have added the digits 123 to the word so that it is harder for the Chinese people to guess.

TTYS

-H

Subject: Demands and supply

Yo, true that. Our troops in Afghanistan who were always whining about their supplies getting stolen on the way in Pakistan will now realise some supplies are better than no supplies at all. No worries. Let them whine.

In any case, we are sorry and all, and I promise we will send you a formal apology along with the next check of the aid you asked for.

We do understand and recognise that Pakistan has played a key role in the war on terror. I mean if you weren’t providing safe havens to the Taliban in your country, the war would have long been over. So yeah, you did make a great contribution.

Grow a brain!