Aries (March 21 to April 19) – Aries men and women will outshine everyone with their confidence and energy this year, so make sure you don’t invite them to your parties. As the sun enters their sign in March, their creative, non-conformist side will take over. Chances of getting a job are therefore next to none. But there is nothing to worry about – anyone can be a freelance photographer or a freelance columnist.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20) – After a terrible 2014, the first three months of this year are a good time to change your life and give it a new direction. But that requires getting out of the blanket, turning off the TV, and doing something. Knowing you, there’s no point in even trying. Wallow in your misery because that’s all you are good at.

Gemini (May 21 to June 21) – Your friends, family, coworkers and Facebook acquaintances will tell you how much they love you one day this year, some time between May 21 to June 21. They may even give you gifts. But before and after that, you mean nothing to them.

Cancer (June 22 to Jul 22) – Some say there is no cure for cancer, but a housewife in Miami has discovered a completely organic diet plan that will treat your cancer in months. Her e-book can be yours for $25, but if you buy in the next 10 minutes, we will give you a 50% discount and throw in an extra free e-book titled: ‘Lie in Wait: how to lose weight while sleeping’. We accept Paypal.

Leo (July 23 to August 22) – If you’re a Leo and you are extremely old, there are chances that you may die this year. This may be especially true for people with heart conditions and other serious diseases. If you’re young, there is less likelihood that you will die this year.

Virgo (August 23 to September 22) – Friends and family will be extra generous in 2015, so if they talk about things you have been hiding from them, just tell flat-out lies and your relationships will strengthen.

Libra (September 23 to October 23) – This is a good year for networking and making new friends, but a word of caution: in a strange turn of events, the army is fighting the Taliban this year, so the anti-military ice-breakers that worked with liberal girls and boys last year will only work with Jamaat-e-Islami this year.

Scorpio (October 24 to November 21) – Your mood swings and frequent fits of rage this year may give the impression that Mars is in Uranus. You are full of fire this year but yours is a water sign, that is why you will have to keep blowing off steam. Know your physical limits. Don’t pick fights with people bigger than you.

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Capricorn (December 22 to January 19) – You belong to the worst zodiac sign of all. When you are away, your friends call you crap-ricorn. This year too, you will be your own best friend (and your own worst enemy). Let your passions guide you this year, but make sure you delete your browser and phone history regularly.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18) – Your sorry under-attended birthday party in the beginning of this year will set the tone for the remaining ten odd months. Your loved ones know you are going through a lot. It’s not that they don’t understand. It’s just that they don’t care. Don’t work too hard this year though and don’t over-exert yourself. It’s useless. Failure is not an option this year, it is your fate.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20) – There will be opportunities all around you this year, but you won’t be able to avail any. Doors will magically open for you to hold so that your friends and family can pass through them and get somewhere. As for you, as the old saying goes: first deserve, then desire.