Parents always tell their children ‘I am proud of you!’ ‘If you behave well it will make me very happy.’ ‘Can you do this for me?’

All these apparently harmless statements that parents make to their children intending to motivate them are more harmful that they can ever imagine. These statements turn such children into people-pleasing adults motivated only to please others rather than intrinsically motivated.

When parents verbalise such ideas to their children, they develop extrinsic motivation where they are driven to act to either please others, which they see as a reward, or out of fear of others, that they see as punishment. Naturally when a parent gives a verbal command of ‘do this to make me happy,’ the implicit message is ‘If you don’t do it, it will make me unhappy’.

Thus, such children become adults whose locus of evaluation is always external and based on what other people will say. Their sense of self is derived from how others see them. ‘If my partner says I look nice, then it means I look nice.’ Similarly such adults become people pleasing with low self-esteem, complimenting others even when they don’t mean it.

They have no boundaries and find it hard to say no to others and end up being taken for granted. And apparently in this process they might look happy as everyone validates their compromising nature and easy to go manner, deep down they are depressed and unhappy, as this isn’t their authentic adult state. They constantly give and never know how to take. Such people are more likely to experience anxiety and depression.

On the other hand, try telling your children ‘you should be proud of yourself.’ ‘To behave well for themselves’ and do anything for their own selves rather than for the parents or anyone else.

This simple change in message can produce a totally different personality. It builds intrinsic motivation in children where their behaviour is driven by internal reward rather than external. Such children become confident adults who have the ability to look inwards before looking outwards.

It doesn’t mean they neglect other people’s wants and needs or that they become selfish and only do what’s good for them.

But it’s better to learn to build a relationship with yourself first before you do with others. To be motivated to act for you primarily and in turn, that behaviour would benefit others. For example. wanting to study well for you to have a better future and of course that would make the parents happy too.

Let’s teach our children to build a relationship with their own selves first before teaching them to build with others; trust me, that will automatically happen. Teach them to be respectful and kind and compassionate toward themselves first. This will teach them to value their life and who they are. On a side note, people who are suicidal are mostly those who don’t value who they are and in turn don’t value their life and it’s not something they decide as adults, but what they learn since they are children.

Let’s change our conversations with our children. Let’s love them and teach them and guide them but for them and not for us. Let’s not burden them with our expectations that in most cases, are our own unfulfilled needs and dreams that we want to fulfil for us.

Let them find their own journey and walk with them and help them to be proud of it and take ownership of that journey.