Brotherly Panama,

The Fraternal Country.

(Not to be delivered to the City of same name.)

I write to you in my personal capacity as my official capacity is on official leave since the leakage of documents from a notorious law firm of your country.

Before the incident, you, dear laddie, were either famous for your canal or your hats. Nobody was interested in you beyond that. I myself thought of you as a jungle where factories churn out hats while ships sail around in peace and harmony through your canal. I didn’t know that you are home to many law firms that specialize in ‘all things magical’.

Our PM, his kids and many other lads and ladies of pious, godly and occasionally holier-than-everybody-else character have been deeply distressed after seeing their names along with Hindus, atheists, and may god smear them, Yahoodis. Come on, man. You could’ve leaked their names separately. You could’ve waited till 2065 at least, haa, but in your hurry they’ve been put in the same dock with all the garbage of the world.  

Don’t you think that I don’t know who is behind all this farce.

It’s America, dear pal Panama.

I know for a fact that America financed the leakage of them papers, funded them too and also steered the whole campaign. America also made the firms that originally belonged to our people, deceived our people in believing that the firms are theirs, made our people benefit from the money they put in them, also hoodwinked our people into believing that the money they are putting in the offshore companies is their when it was not their in the second place, however in the first place it was theirs, but that is irrelevant as well as immaterial.

Ahaa, caught you, dear boy, didn’t I? See, it is about time that you stop America from bullying you around. You must follow my footprints, love I’ve never allowed America to dictate me a single word on anything at all.

Be it SEATO, CENTO, Afghan War or War on Terror. I did what I did because I wanted to do what I did and not because America wanted me to do it, which it did and so I did what I did.

See, that is called ‘Sovereignty’, which I am afraid an idea you are alien to.

Panama, my boy, you may have earned independence before me but I am more spiritually-enlightened, ideologically-driven, and overall-way-more-important country than you. And yes, let us not forget that my Rawalpindi alone has more people than your entire populace.

Haaa, I don’t know whether you are aware of it or not, but I guess our missiles can reach both your canal and hats. So, I was just thinking that next time, before ‘leaking’ such baseless, fatuous, futile and wahiyaat papers, you must take into account that your annihilation is only a button away, dear boy. Only a ‘green’ button away (It was originally red when America gave it to us, we painted it green later on, with 15 percent painted white to show the minorities as well)

Haaaaa, take care, give my regards to all the fish and Smith-The Sole Crocodile of Panama River.

Yours Bravely Big Brother,


(Name typed like this to keep my identity anonymous, in case this letter gets ‘leaked’)