Disclaimer: This intercept of a Taliban development report from their Doha office is in no way a work of fiction. Registered as a non-profit, charity organization, the Tehreek-e-Taliban are a civic minded people who take pains to perfect their craft. We should all appreciate the work put in by these tireless soldiers of mayhem.

Bismillah! Fazlullah!

By the grace of our great lord, a Multi-Detonator Task Force (MDTF) has completed the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan’s (TTP) latest capacity building project, which aims to improve the competence of low-level operatives and extremist partners in key areas of IED preparedness and tactical mayhem. Funded by a spree of kidnappings-for-ransom, and a donor agency that wishes to remain Al-Anonymous, this project seeks to improve local preparedness to cause disasters of any kind. The project aims to strengthen both individuals and institutions and support the MDTF’s longer-term commitment to enable disaster implementation and terror management through empowering local partners across the country.

The first phase was carried out in the Pre-Fazlullah period, and ran from April 01 to November 1, 2013. The initiative was, Alhamdolilah, facilitated by a team of consultants from Al-Shabab, Jundollah and the ruthless terrorist organization Cobra who work in the relevant terrorist sectors and provide militant safety trainings to guard against law enforcement and emergency response personnel. This also includes a special module administered by the producers of the popular American documentary, Prison Break.

During Phase l, 10 pilot events were staged in district capitals. Each pilot sought participants from adjoining districts to ensure an even distribution of payload and a broader base of mayhem. In total, participants from 25 districts (including Karachi) attended the pilots. By the grace of Allah, all 25 achieved martyrdom with a total of 967 casualties between them. The priority districts selected for Phase l were identified by a Needs Assessment based on vulnerability to sectarian strife, in particular through flooding by propaganda pamphlets.

Brothers from consulting agencies MOSSAD, RAW and the Central Intuitive Agency contributed by providing experienced staff to facilitate the modules and coordination of the events with expertise in the specific sectors. Each five-day training included sessions on: Mass Communication of Hate Speech, IED Preparedness, Management of Widow Expectation, the Trigonometry of Ball-Bearing Distribution, Chain of Command Elimination, Mainstreaming Gender Oppression Principles, the Moral Implications of Payload Delivery Through Children, Farrari Camp Coordination and Management, MisInformation Management (MIS) and a multi-hazard simulation exercise, Alhamdolilah.

Gender Oppression was also highlighted and participants renewed their commitment to ensuring quality conditions for women in the home. In order to disincentivize disobedience and promiscuity, workshops on cross-cutting themes such as Sandwich-Making is Next to Godliness, The Health Risks of Late Night Mobile Phone Usage and Malala: The Problem Child, were conducted. Informative films used to highlight these themes included Irreversible, 8mm and Bowling For Columbine. Astaghfirullah.

By the end of PhaseI, a total of 642 households were uprooted by sectarian conflict across Punjab, Sindh, Balochistan, KP and Pakistan Occupied Kashmir. The average behavior change recorded was 37%, which is within acceptable levels. However, a marked decrease was noticed in the turnout at Friday congregations. This is an expected side effect of our Mass DisInformation Campaign, designed to filter out Shias, Ismailis, Barelvis and Mormons from attending prayers at any establishment that is a signatory to the Universal Declaration of Hostage-taking Rights (UDHR).

The Office of Ozymandias Bin Laden requested the exercise be replicated in in Abbottabad. A 72-page proposal to this end was returned with track changes by the Quetta Shura’s Communications Officer, declining the request as government policies were not friendly to terrorist intervention and sentiment among beneficiaries was decidedly against the TTP. The proposal has now been escalated to the Shura’s Procurement Department (Astaghfirullah), which is expected to implement it within 16 to 18 years. You know how lazy Procurement is with their bidding processes and invoicing.

Four dedicated staff was hired to facilitate logistics and provide administrative support for out-station assignments, recording footage of key events, monitoring and evaluation of the media coverage and outreach to individual journalists through bullets in brown paper envelopes. Priority areas districts targeted for the pilot were identified by informants in the law enforcement agencies. The Needs Assessment found there were only three prisons catering to the needs of over 6000 operatives. A public letter to the local EDO (Health) and DIG (Prisons) addressing the issue has, Mashallah, been placed in the Nawa-i-Waqt to manage beneficiaries’ expectations.

The writer is a former journalist currently working in the development sector.

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