The earthquake that shook Afghanistan and Pakistan last month may be linked to the moral turpitude of television celebrity Qandeel Baloch, scientists commenting on her Facebook page assert.

The singer and model from Karachi frequently posts videos considered seductive by a majority of her more than 93,000 Facebook followers, which may be the reason behind the seismic phenomenon that killed hundreds of people in the two countries and rendered thousands homeless, according to several geologists commenting on her page.

“After watching this video several times, I have realized that you are the main reason behind the earthquake on October 26,” one researcher told her. “You should be ashamed of yourself for making me like your page and watch all your videos. The next hurricane should be named after you.”

A number of scientists from all over the country followed the page after the most recent video was released, in an attempt to advance the research which they believe could form the basis of a new early warning system.

Early warning system:

“I believe we can use our understanding of this phenomenon to create a system that could warn us of an earthquake every time Qandeel Baloch posts a video that her fans deem enticing or immoral,” said Latif Lighter, an expert in natural phenomena and immoral behavior.

He stressed the need for a scale that could measure the morally adverse effect of her photographs and videos on her audience and convert it into degrees of likelihood of a natural disaster.

“For that reason, analysts will have to constantly follow her updates, and must be left alone for a while to contemplate their effects on our minds,” he argued.

Because of this utility, he said he was sternly opposed to banning the page or taking it offline.

Lateef Lighter compares himself to the fat desperate nerd in every natural-disaster movie who predicts the earthquake correctly at the beginning of the film, but nobody listens to him because he’s a fat desperate nerd.

He rejected fears that the quake in October may be a veiled sign from nature telling us that that the tectonic plates are moving.
Natural sign:

“The science is clear,” says Nadeem Nadim, a Facebook enthusiast who regrets being on Facebook every once in a while. “Earthquakes are linked to moral decline, especially of the elite. That is why they have been a consistent phenomenon in all of human history and there is no one who can claim to have seen an earthquake before humans began walking on earth.”

He said we lived in times when even men wore heavy makeup. Pop star Fakhir and PML-N leader Siddiqul Farooq could not be reached for comment.

Nadeem Nadim, who rose to fame after leaving a comment on every single update by Qandeel Baloch warning her of severe punishment in the afterlife, insists that he is genuinely concerned about the television star’s hereafter and only wants to show her the right path.

“Most of us are definitely in a position to judge other people, especially girls, after looking at their Facebook page, and determine whether they are going to heaven or hell,” he reminded.

Meanwhile, civil defense officials have updated their standard operating procedures to ask citizens to immediately log in to Facebook to warn other people about the earthquake. The statement released last week does not say whether such warnings should be left on one’s own Facebook page or that of Qandeel Baloch.

Responsibility:

Days after the disaster, Qandeel Baloch claimed responsibility for the earthquake on her Facebook page. This scribe could not ascertain the truth of her claim.

Some critics believe the earthquake was only meant to divert attention from their comments on her pictures and videos.

“I don’t think she can be used to predict an earthquake when she can’t even predict that I will leave a filthy comment on her video,” one critic said on condition of anonymity.