From the ugly girl who has been denied the pleasure of being objectified and harassed because she has not discovered the right brand of whitening cream, to the disgusting male celebrity who is on a mission to visit housewives to clean their toilets, to the miserable child who is forced to stop crying to explain to a news reporter what it feels like to have lost both your parents an hour or so ago – everyday media is full of examples that prove humiliation makes the best prime-time television, and the most effective way of becoming famous is losing your dignity on air. Here are some tips to help you achieve that goal.

1) Participate in a game show:

Game shows provide ample opportunities to common men and women to get laughed at live on television. You can throw eggs at your spouses who would catch them in their mouths, you can do push-ups that look like they are meant to strengthen your butt, you can give ridiculous answers to common-sense questions, and if you are lucky, you can even have the opportunity to shamelessly beg the host for a gift. It is likely that your children, your colleagues, your friends and your family will never look at you the same way ever again, but that is not such a high price to pay for a free motorcycle and nationwide prime-time exposure.

2) Sing:

One easy way to be ridiculed across the country is to call in or visit a show to sing live on TV. Choose an Indian or Pakistani film song whose words and tune you are not entirely familiar with, preferably with an inappropriate theme. If you’re a woman, sing a song about how hard it is to control your sexual urges during the monsoon season, or a vivid description of your physical features. If you’re a man, sing a song about the physiological changes that take place in your body and mind when you look at beautiful women, or about your right to being drunk. There is no need to be ashamed. Celebrities are ridiculed all the time, but they get to be celebrities.

3) Talk to a reporter:

But before that, come up with a story. The most important thing in a story is a villain, preferably rich and in a position of power. If a factory worker beats up a factory worker, that is not news. If a foreman or a manager beats up a factory worker, that is news. Narrate to the reporter the details of your imaginary humiliation, especially the details of the verbal abuse that you had to endure. Take off your shirt and show any marks it left on your body. Don’t forget to make a happy face at the end as you pose with your compensation check.

For those who are less daring, there is ample opportunity to feature yourself in someone else’s genuine misery. While the reporter interviews a real victim of violence or injustice, stand besides them as they weep and tell their story, and smirk and wave at the camera.

4) Become a news reader:

The perks of being a newscaster are outstanding. You get to say the most ridiculous things live on television, communicated in the most offensive colloquial language, with headlines that rhyme, and quite often with ridiculous Bollywood songs playing in the background just because they include one or two words that are vaguely related to the report. And that is not all. You get to humiliate other people in the entire bulletin, over and over again. In the process, you end up humiliating yourself.

5) Disagree with a politician:

There are several ways of doing that. You can participate in a talk show, although it requires the patience of occasionally letting other people talk. Try to sit close to the politician in case they need a collar to hold on to. You can also ask a politician a question at the end of a public event that is being televised. Make sure the question is long, self-congratulatory, dismissive of other people’s experiences, and contains the answer within itself. The goal in this approach is to lose your dignity without having to wait for the anyone to respond.

The author has a degree in Poetics of Prophetic Discourse and works as a Senior Paradigm Officer.

harris@nyu.edu

.@cyborgasms