‘... I have to defend this country as well as those who run this country, and then I have to defend myself and the two ministries I own, sorry, head. A thankless job I have. Thank God, I have one. I still remember when we were in opposition. Well, those were the days as we were free to do what we pleased. No responsibilities.No tension.

But then, no salary and no perks too. Haa, its good to serve the people from cabinet building then standing among them. Log bhi baray ajeeb hain, yaar.  If I please them with F-16 tiyaaray, they complain about bijli and if we give them bijli they ask about the tiyaaray that America is just not giving. About time, that someone tell them, you can’t have both. Or may be they can. Or can they? Don’t know.’

You just read an excerpt culled from an endless stream-of-consciousness that continues in the head of  Khwaja Sahab ‘Baray’ Walay (From now on referred to as K.S.B.W)  

K.S.B.W is an old-timer. He knows the ins and outs and in-betweens of all things parliamentary and (not-at-all) parliamentary. He is also famed for the quips he makes and the jugats he utters. Our K.S.B.W is a witty man who loves cracking the bones of his opponents with wisecracks. We can safely call him ‘Sheikh Rasheed of PML-N after Sheikh Rasheed called it a day being Sheikh Rasheed in PML-N and being Sheikh Rasheed on his own, for his own.’

We Punjabis prize our sense of humor as both penultimate, ultimate and above all. Our abuses primarily surround around sisters and mothers of the party that is being abused by us. We dwarf our friends and animals and enemies alike by shedding light on numerous (imaginary and concocted, at times real ones too) affairs the women of their family are susceptible to have in Never-neverland (Alam-e-na-mumkinat-o-na- makoolat).

Hailing from Sialkot, city famed for its footballs and border shellings. K.S.B.W resembled chief whip of a ‘chic-changistic-boom-boom- inqilabi’ party with a  popular mode of transport in rural Punjab.

Haaaa, and then sh*t, nazreen-o-samayein-o-haazreein, hit the fan. Within minutes, TOR  commission, Panama Papers, India, (naa milnay waalay) F-16 tiyaaray, CPEC all vanished from our screens and Twitter feeds. It was T**c**r T*oll*y and condemnations from all sides. Everyone jumped the bandwagon and K.S.B.W was without any pals or peers and angry that he has not been extended freedom of speech when he craved for/needed/required it the most.

And at that particular moment K.S.B.W was having a monologue-cum-soliloquy that was reportedly went something like…

‘Haye, hun mein seedha keeta hai naa inna nu.  Khanay burger taey karniyaan balay-baaziyaan. Tarr, tarr laye hoye sei. Hun waada teeka laayaa hai. Kujh aarsa aram rahye gaa. Pehlay vei kehyaa sei  mein. Koi sharm hoti hai, koi haya hoti hai. But no. Samjhan aala khameer hei nahin hai.’

(English Translation of K.S.B.W’s internal monologue)

‘Now, I have straightened them all. Bloody lot who after eating burgers, love to prove that they are best batsmen.  They were chirruping incessantly. Now I have administered peace through a beastly syringe in them. We’ll have peace for sometime now. I’ve told them before, have some shame, have some honor. But no, their essence is devoid of any reasonable iota’.

P.S: Translations done wholly, exclusively by none other than Khwaja Sahab ‘Baray’ Walay.