Pakistan is at a defining moment in its history. Last week, the number of political talk-show anchors in the country finally exceeded the number of people who watch these shows. A similar crisis was averted years ago – after the number of debates being aired simultaneously on primetime television had exceeded the total number of politicians in the country – when a number of public representatives began to exhibit a mysterious ability to be in more than one live television shows at the same time.

Earlier this month, a news organisation had revealed that fifty percent of the people of Pakistan make up half its population. In March, a survey revealed that 78.23 percent of statistics reported in surveys were made up.

In these circumstances, this scribe will assert his right to address the nation on national TV. I do not intend to host a talk show, and I certainly do not ask for a young journalist to interview me every day. All I want to do is to address the nation for an entire hour, where only I speak – on every topic in the world – and the entire nation listens carefully.

This scribe has been told that he looks handsome in a waistcoat and shalwar kameez. As far as the content is concerned, other television anchors can then spend the rest of the day discussing my speech.

Debates are important, but sensitive religious and political disagreements should be reserved for public intellectuals to discuss in the public sphere in a polite manner, such as in the comments section of the recently reopened YouTube, or as part of hashtag wars on Twitter.

The government has no business blocking free speech using PTA or PEMRA. That is unacceptable. Free speech should only be banned under anti-terrorism laws.

If such an arrangement is not possible, this scribe is flexible enough to put forward another demand, that may help resolve Pakistan’s most serious problems.

The common people on the street are witness to some of the most horrendous crimes in the country, and data reveals that one in five phone calls to the police emergency helpline are made by members of local communities complaining about businesses opening offshore accounts. Meanwhile, hundreds of people have been swept away in the northwest of Pakistan because of women wearing inappropriate clothes on television. Disorder prevails in the society in general, as people who openly confess to being non-Muslim roam around alive and free, with no regard for the feelings of the majority. I do not necessarily think there is anything wrong with that, but I do want to cite these reasons to demand that the prime minister and step down, leaving the slot for this scribe.

A majority of Pakistanis don’t have access to clean drinking water, and one in ten do not have the luxury of washing their hands. That is why I also humbly request you not to make me go to people and shake hands with them to beg for votes. I want to be chosen in an honourable way. Someone should come and ask me to become Prime Minister. I will think about it for a while before saying yes in fifteen minutes.

In 1992, Imran Khan was the first Pakistani cricket captain to have won his team the world cup, and in 2016, he became the first retired captain to make his country’s team lose the world cup. As a third option, I would have asked to be the captain of the cricket team, but I feel that there is space for only one well-meaning but incompetent retired cricket captain on Pakistani news channels right now.

Therefore, I humbly request that if the previous two options are not viable, then I should be made the coach of the Pakistani cricket team. There may be protests against this decision, but when most people of Pakistan take to the streets against a decision, that is a sign that the decision was good. The team’s performance may continue to worsen. In that case, I will resign after two years, with a heavy heart.

If that is not possible, then I lay down my final, non-negotiable demand.

Pakistan’s national flag carrier has been making huge losses because of poor management. The airline should shut down its operations with immediate effect, and also save precious resources by opening its offices only on the first day of the month, to transfer the salaries of the employees to their accounts. After this has been done, in the greater national interest, I demand a job in the PIA.