When the not-so-nooraani Junaid Jamshed made his Bollywood-inspired heroic entry, the audience were overjoyed to find him bouncing on the stage of “Chand Sitara” song launch at a star-studded event. His appearance was so sudden (not really) that nobody was ready to treat their eyes to his face, emitting ultraviolet rays.

Junaid Jamshed’s charismatic personality swept the ultra-modern audience off their feet.  After saying his initial salutations and thanking his sponsors in a completely halal way, the singer wasted no time and reminisced his youthful days.

The former pop singer – and current disco molvi (oops, maulana sahab) – wasted no time in starting to sing his national songs. He started with the golden number Dil Dil Pakistan, followed by Maula Ho Tera Karam and other tracks in a relatively dimmer background music. The organizers planned his performance with an acute attempt to avoid controversies.  But the Vital Signs’ former vocalist was in a mood to mix songs with qawali renditions and a naat style of delivery. Every now and then he would stop and say “sub mil kay bolo”, “sub saath mein bolo”, (“everybody, say together”) continuously, which reminded me of the recent mimicry of the “Sheela ki Jawani” song.

The religious bigot not only made the audience swing their waists to his songs, but also made them sing with utmost joy. The woman-hater kept on twisting his wrists with delight and was continuously uttering ‘Inshallah’ at the end of different verses simultaneously. The whole act was a reflection of old school naat recitations on PTV. I hope you all remember that amazing Naat-e-Rasool-e-Maqbool ‘Aaye Sarkaar Madina Aaye’ (‘The lord of Medina has arrived’). With his performance he tried to recreate that sense of beating the hand drum, and in doing so justifiably and very sophisticatedly made a comeback in the musical realms of the entertainment industry.

Continuing his theatrics, Junaid Jamshed came down from the stage and, to be more interactive, hugged T20 captain Shahid Afridi and former captain Shoaib Malik. When he was done singing his back-to-back numbers, the dad in him woke up and he said in a “tired daddy’s voice”: ‘Aaj ke liye itna kaafi hai.’

Opting for a rather humble approach, he then thanked all the big names of the fashion industry including designer HSY, models, cricket captains, and especially his sponsors. “I thank Pepsi for their continuous support – even after 27 years, they are still after my life,” he said.

After that, he started complaining about the sharp rays of fancy lights hitting his eyes making him blind towards the audience sitting in front of him. He whined, “I am over the hill, lights are hitting my eyes, I can’t see anything, I apologize to the people I can’t see.” Seriously, are we solely there to have your attention Mr. J?

Anyways in the end, with a heavy heart, and with utmost effort to forget thanking Fariha Altaf (the fierce woman), he finally uttered the words, “Fariha organized this wonderful event and we should not forget her and I don’t want to forget her either, thank you Fariha.”

With this, he concluded his theatrics for the day. After him, other performances continued and the host Faizan Haq invited the rising stars of Pakistan who have featured in the Chand Sitara video directed by veteran film producer Shoaib Mansoor, on the stage. The youngsters included Formula 3 racer Saad Ali, Chess champion Mehak Gul, world’s fastest blind bowler Zeeshan Abbasi, and Forbes Top 30 entrepreneur, Fizza Farhan. The event used composite technology and drone cameras and was attended by all the who’s-who of Pakistan fashion industry.  

Later, the former Vital Signs lead was seen giving flirtatious looks and taking cozy selfies with the hottest girls (“tehri huddi”) who were wearing the most revealing clothes one could wear in public gatherings in Pakistan. Not only did he forget the latest research that insists ‘selfies are causing head lice infestation,’ but he also completely ignored his ludicrous remarks about women being created out of man’s ribs and that they would stay twisted forever. Instead, he shared hundreds of laughs while having a luxurious dinner.

Ah! The mystery has finally been solved. Now I understand how a staunch “religious scholar” like him is able to come up with such a popular women’s clothing line.