Members of a ruthless terrorist bacterial colony have infiltrated the nasal cavity and are currently holding the nose hostage. White blood cells have arrived at the scene and cordoned off the high-profile Ear-Nose-Throat sanctum, preventing the miscreants from spreading. However, despite the heavy security cordon, the nose has been undergoing a regime shift.

Under the control of these ruthless parasites, the nose is now threatening to cede from the face. Of course, no good Muslim could ever perpetrate an act such as this, making it – quite obviously – the handiwork of a hostile foreign power. According to lab reports, the insurgents are perpetrating all manner of mischief on these vital organs; looting the lymph nodes, stealing fatty tissue, detuning the vocal chords and riling up inmates at the local phlegm prison, which is now overflowing.

Sources within the intelligence community revealed that the terrorists had intimate knowledge of the host body’s inner workings, leading them to believe that this incident may have something to do with the prison break at the Inner Ear Jail in DI Kaan. The jailbreak bears the tell-tale markings of an inside job, which would suggest that a rogue faction from within the law-enforcement and military apparatus is working in tandem with these “foreign agents” to destabilize the host body and render it bedridden and unemployable.

The entire episode stinks of conspiracy. On TV, diagnostic experts are speculating about the possible motive behind the invasion of the nose. Not-in-his-Right-mind analyst Ansar By-Passy sees a possible attempt to malign the good name of Islam and paint all Muslim limbs in a suspicious light. “The most devoutly faithful organ, the circumcised pen, is the only region immune to the onslaught of this debilitating disease,” opines Abbasi.

Uric Acid Jan, the bureaucrat-turned-commentator-turned-soothsayer recalls that the infection could simply be a misunderstood band of ultranationalists, overly patriotic and super disloyal to the country. As he points out, “In War of the Worlds, that canonical text by famed historian HG Wells, it is this very disease that wipes out an entire invading army from Mars. Let’s not forget all the good fights that these freedom fighters have fought and won on our behalf”.

Most affected is the porous border region of the sinuses. Locals here complain of a constant sense of insecurity. “It has been three days since we last had one breath of fresh air,” complained one resident, on condition of anonymity. “With the bacteria in power, our access to the outside world has been blocked. The insurgents control the entry-exit points of both the Kohat, er, Nasal Tunnel and do not allow anything but a steady stream of watery diarrhea-like snot to pass. This redirection of watery snot and the build-up of phlegm behind a beaver dam threaten to flood the Moustache region, wrecking thousands of Hair Follicles and displacing their families. No official efforts are being made to evacuate or repatriate the unlucky hair follicles to the empty patch up north. However, the increasingly deteriorating security situation along the treacherous mountain roads is delaying the arrival of White Blood Cells and paramedical staff.

The host too is taking precautionary measures. In a bilateral meeting today with his counterpart Mullah Nose-ullah, Nasal spokesperson Atif Aslam said, “Ab toh aadat si hai mujh ko…” Experts are divided as to the significance of this statement, coming as it does at a time when the sovereignty of the entire body is challenged by microscopic miscreants.

According to the leading daily Yawn, the outlawed Tehreek-e-Nosey Saaf is calling for a peaceful settlement to this horrible crisis and has offered to mediate between the government of the troubled northern province of Brain and the leader of the occupying army, Neem Hakeemullah. However, a rogue faction of the party has refused to abide by the decision and are blocking the supply of life-saving drugs into the nasal passage.

Troops, led by General Xynosine of the 22nd Brigade, have taken up positions around the occupied territory to the West of Cashmere. Major Vicks has been charged with leading a small but highly trained unit of Mint and Eucalyptus operatives into the nasal cavities. Rescue 1122 and Rose Petal personnel will be on hand in the case of any eventuality.

It is unclear what the outcome will be. If the rogue faction continues to blockade the precious NATO supply line, state-of-the-art antibiotics may fall into the hands of the bacterial terrorists, who may be able to weaponize them and use them to take over more parts of the body. Will negotiations break down? Will the poor mucus held hostage inside the besieged nasal cavity ever be able to escape it’s snotty prison? Only time will tell…

The writer had a runny nose this week.