To get going with this piece, I asked two young colleagues, Tejani and Hassan (names changed for privacy), what is generally their expectation from their colleagues? Without batting an eyelid, both almost in unison said, “professional behaviour.” I said, elaborate. “We expect them to be ‘nice’ in every way.” And what does ‘nice’ mean to you? I retorted. “Well, it means they must show mutual respect, never be informal in behaviour and shouldn’t be loud in conversations.” The further intrusive questions of mine led to opening a can of worms. The aspect, however, that stood out was they expect “niceties” of behaviour from colleagues.
It is niceties that make the difference. Fate gives us the hand, and we play the cards. (Arthur Schopenhauer). The difference between robotic behaviour and human behaviour is the quality of “nicety.”
As a society, since the latter part of the decade of the seventies, we have slid into an abyss of intolerance, of being discourteous and of being arrogant in speech and deed. Religious arrogance is touching its zenith. No analysis or reason is accepted. The attitude is: my way or the highway; take it or leave it. The middle road has been abandoned. In fact, the slow lane is vacant and empty. The fast lane is overcrowded.
The overcrowding in the zest to achieve more in less time, honourably or ignominiously, is taking a toll on basic societal norms of decency, courtesy and goodwill. In the unconsciousness of our decaying existence lies a treasure of niceties that have become silent victims of the windmill of time. We have allowed the distractions of work and life to intrude upon the sphere of niceties. Niceties within the ambit of the moral framework and constraint serve as a beacon towards consistent good conduct and manners. Without sounding like a slave to these constraints, the behaviour must emerge and exhibit itself naturally.
A certain uniqueness and the nicety of style that attend to a persona serve as charisma, naturally attracting others towards the possessor. Grace in demeanour is a qualification that has no price tag. It is priceless and invaluable. Social formalities of niceties are not meant to be used for seeking distance from colleagues; rather, these niceties are meant to endear others. The weights and measures of niceties overcome all imperfections in relationships.
Technology, sadly though, is being used to maim and hurt courteous behaviour. The continuous re-engineering and reconstruction of the methods we communicate with each other are going through momentous changes that are gnawing at the roots of decency and the choice of words we use in communicating on various channels and platforms. The abbreviated Asa (Assalam alaikum) does not carry the sentiments attached to the form of greeting. Abbreviated courtesy is vulgar. The excuse of time being unavailable to write in full is ridiculously loathsome.
Niceties are being expunged with a belief that they are not needed anymore... because there is neither appreciation for them nor is anyone censured for not possessing related traits. This flexibility to accept less than the best in personal behaviour is leading society speedily towards the derangement of all other factors that work towards establishing a stable and righteous society.
Psychological niceties can tame wild and unruly behaviour. Niceties usher in humility, which is a trait that is in agreement with humans’ congenial nature and hence has the potential to uplift individuals towards a higher orbit of human understanding, spirituality, behaviour and attitude. The everyday use of words of nicety brings to the fore a new view of engagement that is both elegant and appealing.
Niceties and platitudes are not meant to mislead, cheat or deceive. They must remain noble.
A personality that relies on accessories of branded clothes, shoes, watches and dazzling mufflers and scarves is invariably extremely poor. The adornment of nicety is a beauteous thing to possess and display without being conscious about it. Grace, which is natural, needs no enhancement through external appendages.
In view of its potential for being abused/misused by both the giver and the recipient of niceties, it is argued by gurus of human behavioural studies that no one should be “too nice” towards all and sundry. Aaron Gay, in an essay, “Stop Being Too Nice,” writes, “In human virtues, ‘niceties’ is often lauded, a quality that binds society with courtesy and agreeableness. Yet, there exists a seldom-discussed shadow to this celebrated trait—a shadow that stretches at the feet of those who carry the weight of excessive niceness. (The opinion of the writer is to give halt to niceties, at least sometimes.) Through the lens of truth and raw wisdom, the Invisible Man... the potent quotes that challenge the valorisation of niceness, urging a pause, a reflection, a courageous step back from the precipice of self-effacement.” This scribe feels that this argument can hold water only where ‘niceties’ prevail, which is not the case in either our country, organisation or people.
Abhorred must be those individuals in society who, in their arrogance, trumpet that they have no time for niceties. A conversation with such usually begins with, “cut to the bone, I have no time for opinions and surrounding factors” or “let’s get to the meat of the problem.” These exclamations, nay, proclamations, convey a very carnivorous attitude. Cannibalism is reformed. Now, a feast is made without putting the victim into a cauldron; the inferno of disdain towards others makes for a celebration.
Professional behaviour is all about how one presents oneself genuinely, with polish and professionalism that demonstrates you can be trusted for your word and action and be taken with seriousness. Office etiquette relates to rules for interacting with colleagues at work. It is meant to be a little beyond the boundaries of simple manners. It must lead and yield to an environment of congeniality that promotes growth and development.
Nice to seniors and rude to juniors is the order of the day. There is nothing that can prevent the extension of niceties to all. It must be extended equally to all. There is no harm or price to pay; it’s always nice to be nice.
Sirajuddin Aziz
The writer is a Senior Banker & Freelance Columnist.
