If we want the Americans to continue allowing us to visit their country at will, we will have to pay a price – once in a while, one of us will have to be told to visit the US against our will. Pakistani Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is off to the US to meet American President Barack Obama. This is his first US visit this month. Here’s what most newspapers won’t tell you.

Part 1: ‘Violence in Afghanistan is good for Mr Sharif’

(Q&A with our foreign policy expert)

Question: There has been a sharp increase in violence in Afghanistan in recent weeks. How will that affect the visit?

Answer: White House trips can become exceptionally awkward and boring because they are too formal. It’s a good thing for Mr Sharif that violence in Afghanistan has increased. At least now he will have something to talk about. It will help him come off as an interesting, influential person who calls the shots in his country and the region.

Question: The US is expected to tell Pakistan to stop its alleged intervention in Afghanistan

Answer: Pakistan should agree to giving up intervention in Afghanistan. There are new countries in the Middle East that the US has also destabilised in recent years. We can work with our American counterparts to intervene in one of those. They are ample groups to fund, arm and train for both Islamabad and Washington. This does not have to be a zero-sum game.

Question: Critics are saying it will be embarrassing for the Pakistani prime minister to be asked about the country’s foreign policy and nuclear program, since he has no clue what is going on in these areas.

Answer: Yes, but then, Nawaz Sharif can also embarrass Barack Obama the same way by asking him questions about Iraq and Syria. He has no clue what is going on in these areas.

Part 2: The prime minister’s schedule in the US

October 20, 9am: Arrival at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport

October 20, 9pm: Clearance by immigration

October 21, 9am: Wake up in the morning

October 21, 11am: Wake up again, look at the clock, jump off the bed and run to a meeting brushing teeth and wearing socks and shoes on the way

October 21, 11.15am: Meeting with some important person

October 21, 11.20am: Promise to self – will go to sleep on time tonight

October 21, 12pm: Meeting with lots of other important persons

October 21, 3pm: Check Facebook for new notifications

October 21, 4.30pm: Read the statement provided to you. Continue to do that after every meeting

October 21, 5pm: Go to the restroom for a smoke

October 21, 6.15pm: Stare at the ceiling

October 21, 9pm: Yawn loudly to signal it is time for meetings to end

October 22, 10am: Meeting with Barack Obama

October 22, 10.30am: Check schedule to realise you have no time for his negative BS

Part 3: Top 5 things on the Agenda

1) Putin’s pecs

2) The weather

3) The visit of the ISI chief

4) Gossip about Ashraf Ghani’s health

5) Discovery of water on Mars

Part 4: Public opinion – what should Nawaz Sharif come home with?

“It is nice of you to ask. I’ll be grateful if he could bring me one of those Statue of Liberty snow globes.” – Shazia Sharmeely, Lahore

“Please let me know the address he will be staying at. I’ll order a few things from Amazon and get them delivered to him. He might be allowed extra baggage for being a prime minister, right?” – Nadeem Nerd, Islamabad

“He should bring back Afia Siddiqui.” – Jamshaid Josheela, Jamshoro

“Hahaha I think he should take before and after pictures of the meeting with Barack Obama. Lolzzz.” – ImranFTW420, via internet comment

“If Donald Trump becomes the American president, he says he will build a giant wall between the US and Mexico. The only person who has the proven capability to build such a large infrastructure project and complete it on time is none other than Punjab chief minister Shahbaz Sharif. We should place a bid to get that contract.” – Bubbloo Butt, Gujranwala