Justin Trudeau is all the rage these days and with good reason, too.

For those who’ve been hibernating under their rocks (since that’ll be the only reason you wouldn’t know him by now), Justin Trudeau is the son of Pierre the twice-elected-PM-of-Canada Trudeau, head of the Liberal Party of Canada and he very recently, like yesterday or so, ended Stephen Harper’s tenure of some 10 years by a clear sweep majority in federal elections 2015. So, yes, Justin Trudeau is now the new face of Canadian political leadership.

O Canada! And I hear Pakistan is loving it. For some reason. Let’s see the reasons, shall we?

According to Pakistani press pieces, the reasons for going gaga all over Justin Trudeau is because he is a true liberal, loves biryani, minorities, bhangra, shalwar kamiz, has movie star looks plus the fact that he also identifies himself as a feminist. Pictures of him visiting a mosque in a white shalwar kamiz and praying alongside his fellow Muslim Canadians are making rounds over the internet like stars in a lovesick teen’s eyes.

All that is pretty cool to have in a guy who is going to be leading your nation. Gives you a sense of security that your future generations will be protected, not persecuted, and the fuzzies that come with that feeling that oh, that non-Muslim gora just wished you Happy Eid and stuff….just drool and die already!

We love Justin Trudeau because he is in Canada. Because he is fighting for the rights of his minorities – his Muslim minorities. He also visited a Sikh temple and that bhangra was perhaps at an Indian gathering but we don’t really care. We like him because he told us a story about a hijabi woman and that’s all that matters to us. Besides, he isn’t a Muslim so it doesn’t matter what he does nor is he required to be this desi. We’re good with him as long as he vocalizes issues of the Muslims in Canada and vows to look after them.

The fact that Justin Trudeau shares his birthdate with Jinnah is also a fact to swoon over and, well, our Quaid was quite a charmer and a true liberal as well. Since we like Justin so much, the smart thing would be to have a leader like him to lead our own country. So, what say you?

Can we have a Justin Trudeau in Pakistan?

Picture this. It is 2018 and we have a leader like Justin Trudeau (whom we are hailing at the top of our lungs right now).

So, like Trudeau, our PM is charming, dashing, young, has a top-notch degree, has the drop-dead gorgeous movie star look, rock star appeal, green/gray/blue/non-black/totally dreamy eyes, and he can deliver a passionate speech in the coolest of ways with a totally educated accent in the sexiest voice possible. And he speaks all the languages spoken in Pakistan – from Urdu to Sindhi to Balochi to Punjabi to Pushto to Hindko to Saraiki to Makrani to…you know…all. 

Just like Trudeau, he dances at parties quite unabashedly, with men and women (minor speed bump in your happy train there, right?). Yes, he goes all out doing bhangra, just like Trudeau.

Just like Trudeau, he wears clothes of other cultures as a gesture of solidarity to his political and social peers. Just like Trudeau, he loves cuisines other than what he grew up eating or seeing his mom cook for him. Just like Trudeau, he poses naked waist up to show off his muscles because he loves a healthy lifestyle and wants to inspire his voters to get their bodies in shape too. (Yes, our PM isn’t a boxer. We can’t ALL be boxers, please!)

It is 2018 and Pakistan’s new Prime Minister is a man who believes in democracy for all. He is the harbinger of real change. He believes in equal rights for all citizens of his country. He himself is surely a Muslim (the constitution demands it) but he is aware that as a liberal leader and to honor the true sentiments of democracy, he must respect all religions and minorities and cultures thriving in his homeland. He believes that diversity is the spice of life and vows to put that notion into motion. Change is what he promises and change is what he shall bring!

Hence, just like Trudeau, he visits the Mandir on Tuesdays, wishes his fellow Pakistani Hindus a very happy Holi/Divali and chants Vedic verses. Just like Trudeau, he visits the Gurdwara and sits with the Sikhs; with a hanky adorning his beautiful hair, he respectfully listens to the recitation of Guru Granth Sahib. Fridays, of course, are for the mosque, Sundays for church. But his love for diversity and minorities doesn’t end there since the minorities in Pakistan don’t end with Hindus and Sikhs. There are the Ahmedis too, and they have places of worship that need protection from the State by virtue of being Pakistani, and they might invite the new cool PM to pay them a visit and spend one afternoon with them. And the Ismailis, and the Bohris and the Parsis.

Then, there are the Shias who shouldn’t have been a minority but are by virtue of being less in number than the dominating Sunnis. Just like Trudeau, our very liberal and secular PM shall honor all and protect all Muharram processions and be part of them too. And, of course, being a Sufi-loving-Shrine-visiting-Sunni myself, how would I hate him if he didn’t attend the Urss of my favorite buzurgs!

All this, after who knows which minority woman he’d have picked to mention in his victory speech…

Are you choking yet on the tareef you so passionately dished out for Justin? But wait, there’s more!

The Pakistanis love Justin Trudeau for his feminist stance too. Excuse me while I go into shock, then recover, then laugh my guts out. A feminist PM? We’ve surely had a female PM but there wasn’t much she could do to further the cause of feminism. She couldn’t end the feudal system, the honor killings, couldn’t legislate to protect women’s rights and couldn’t change laws that were brutally being used to deny justice to women alone, couldn’t change the patriarchal mindset of the society that elected her into office. In fact, it is no secret that she was a mere puppet in her husband’s hands. Even today, Pakistani women are sold off into marriage, bondage, and trade. A woman who dares to rise above the limits defined for her by society is stoned – metaphorically if not physically. It’s been over 60 years since the creation of Pakistan and we haven’t had a single ‘feminist’ leader. We’ve had womanizers by the truck load, no kidding. 

Looks like Handsome there would have a lot of work cut out for him. Add ‘do not be killed via random killer and/or bodyguard while accomplishing all that’ to the list.

If I’m honest with myself, I know that such a leader will never survive in the kind of Pakistan that I know today. We may hail Justin Trudeau’s secularism and set him on a high pedestal but none of that is because that’s what we want in our own country. We want that for ourselves in his country. In our country, we just want whatever the f**k we want whether it’s denying our minorities and women the same rights that we so chant for in western societies to be given to us.

This is hypocrisy. And I’m being polite.

We love our religion and we can’t toot our own Islamic horn enough. Well, let me redirect your narcissist brain to something that is very Islamic:

"None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself."

[Hadith of Rasul Allah, reported by al-Bukhari (13), Muslim (45), Ahmad (3/176), at-Tirmidhi (5215), Ibn Majah (66), an-Nasa'i (8/115), and Ibn Hibban (234)]

If you analyze Trudeau’s philosophy, this is exactly what he is doing. But it is appalling that our own people and leaders, who claim to be the upholders of this very faith, shy away from practicing what our own Prophet preached and lived by.

So, yes, hail dear Justin all you want from the comfort of your Facebook posts and blogs and tweets signing off ‘with love from Pakistan’ but the naked truth is – you don’t mean any of it. He is cool only because he is far away and doesn’t threaten your lifestyle with his outrageous liberalism and sense of justice.

You don’t want a Justin Trudeau in Pakistan.